MY STRUGGLE WITH SELF-WORTH BY: JAMIE LEE


butterflygirl

HOW TO CREATE SELF WORTH

One thing that almost all transsexuals, indeed almost all people at all, suffer from is a very low level of self-esteem.

Confidence, empowerment, the feeling of having value to one’s self, and to others, is greatly desired. For a great part of my life, I have known such a deep feeling of worthlessness that it was impossible for me to imagine just what feeling good about myself would be like. I understood intellectually that such a feeling must be better than what I knew, that there must be a positive way to feel about my own existence, but I simply could not imagine how it might be achieved.  One thing I often wished for in those times was for someone to explain to me exactly how to achieve real and lasting self-worth. No one could, with simple admonishments to ‘cheer up’, or mindless brush-offs in the form of ‘you’ll get over all that in time’ being the rule.

I have learned the secret that I sought long ago, and I imagine I am not the only soul to have been so desperate simply to feel some degree of goodness about myself. Perhaps others might wish to know the mechanism by which self-worth is generated. Here it is.

Self-worth depends on just a few basic factors.
 
 
Self-worth comes greatly from feeling that one has taken a sufficient degree of useful and valid action in the world. The nature and type of that action is irrelevant. What matters is that one feels that the actions taken are both useful and valid.

By useful, the action must accomplish something that provides benefit of some sort to one’s self or to others, or both.

By valid, the action must fit within the individual’s personal ethical framework. The action must be considered appropriate, necessary, correct, proper, or acceptable to the self.

By sufficient degree of action, the amount of action taken must feel like it is enough…for now. This last point is absolutely vital, and is often a stumbling block for people. It must be incorporated into the individual that there is such a thing as having done enough for a given period of time. This may require determining real and concrete rules for action in relation to time. Vague estimates may sometime lead to a condition of feeling like one has never done enough. This is detrimental, and ultimately, destructive. One must develop a reasonable concept of effort.

One way to develop a reasonable concept of how much is enough is to truly incorporate the bromide of ‘Having Done One’s Best’. It is reasonably easy for most people, unless they are incapacitated by clinical levels of depression more suited to medication than words, to judge when they have more or less done the best that they can.

To judge that one has done one’s best, within the time available, with the available resources, and under whatever duress was ambient, is useful in learning how to determine when one has done enough. Use this tool, it is a cliché for a reason: it works.

A last part of relating to action in the world is actually remembering the things one has done, and thinking about them. Self-reflection is important to self-worth. One must make the effort to consistently, and as dispassionately as possible, reflect upon the actions one has taken. The important part here is not to fuss over the action, but to be able to feel the sheer weight of the effort. One has to actively make one’s own actions count.

Indeed, the concepts listed above for achievement can be broken down into some basic rules to observe:

 LEARNING TO WALK

Self-worth is not instant. It is a process, not a thing! Self-worth is constantly being sapped and demolished by the nature of our society, and even the physics of our universe. A person is responsible for their own happiness, and also for their own self-worth. Neither can really be bought, sold, given or accepted, despite all fuss to the contrary. Self-worth, and happiness for that matter, must be CONSTRUCTED OVER TIME.

A baby cannot immediately run, but must first crawl, then walk. Self-worth cannot be truly, permanently gained overnight. At best an illusion of self-importance can be gained by fame or sudden success, but this mirage quickly fades. Lasting good feelings can only be achieved by developing a basic technique of constantly generating them.

The technique is simple and must forever be used: there is no point at which one may slack off. One must DO. Take action, small at first, then gradually greater, building up. It is that simple.

One note about the nature of action: one ALWAYS takes action. Doing nothing is also an action. The key is to do whatever one does deliberately, even if that action is to do nothing. One must make the effort to take responsibility for both action, and inaction. Always be aware that one cannot help but choose. Choice is not a privilege; it is a fact of existence.

Choose actions to take that are well within the realm of success. Successes build self-confidence, and so one must stockpile them up. The successes do not need to be great, they need to be abundant.

This is an important point. There is sometimes the confusion that one must achieve great things to feel great. This is often counterproductive, because it can lead to attempting things far out of one’s league, and thus produce ego shattering failures. It is easy to understand that abundant failure breeds self-loathing. The reverse must be understood to be true as well. Abundant successes…even small ones…gradually create self-worth.

Huge successes are dramatic and can boost self-worth a great deal, if briefly. However the risk of failure is greater, and at the lowest levels of self-esteem this becomes critical. Tiny successes may seem too small to be satisfying, but over time they stockpile. Enough tiny successes can create sufficient confidence and self-knowledge to make larger action successful.

This too can be put into simple rules:
 
 
 LIFE SUPPORT

Even if one diligently applies all of the concepts above, it can come to naught if the drain of the environment is too great. Human beings are social creatures, we require other people -or at least other animals- and we gain much of our orientation and validation from social contact.

Other beings are our mirrors, they reflect to us what and who we are by the effect we have upon them. It must be understood, however, that not all mirrors are equal, and that some mirrors totally distort what they reflect.

If an individual is very lacking in self-worth, this can become a difficult issue. As social animals we hunger for company, and if we are low in self-esteem, we may feel unworthy of decent company and grateful for any attention at all. Poor quality attention, from unworthy people, is often worse than being alone for a while.

There is a fairly easy way to determine if the company one keeps is worth keeping, or should be actively avoided. Judge whether you are being raised or lowered emotionally. Does your companionship make you feel good?

If your companions consistently degrade you, if their comments and the overall emotional effect of them makes you feel bad about yourself, life, your plans and attempts at achievement, your happiness and usefulness, then your companions are destructive to you.

A worthwhile companion, a worthy friend, consistently helps to lift your spirits. This does not mean that they agree with you on everything, or support every plan you construct, rather it means that overall, they encourage rather than condemn, offer help rather than despair, and show that you are worth their time and effort, by consistent mutuality.

Unworthy people must be avoided. No matter who they are, what their relationship to you is, or their social or emotional connection. This is not a matter of ego or whim; this is a matter of survival. Avoid those who drag you down, who minimalize or abuse you, or otherwise depress and sadden you. Loneliness can be cured in time, but a bad relationship can drag on indefinitely and limit the chances of gaining better relationships.

A valid relationship is a mutual thing. It must be. If it is not, it is not real, and is best left. To be mutual, a relationship must show roughly balanced interaction: What is done is returned in kind. A valid relationship builds up, and enhances power, self-worth, and provides support and assistance. It is trustworthy and useful for all parties involved. If it is not, even if it be a bond of blood or law, it is poison, and must be abandoned if it cannot be changed into a valid form. This must be followed.

If the basic concept outlined above is consistently and diligently followed, the result will be a gradual build up of self-worth and confidence. With it will come an increase in satisfaction, contentment, and add to overall happiness. The basic principle is simple: start out with small successes, keep trying slightly greater things to achieve still greater successes, and surround yourself ONLY with supportive, mutual, encouraging people.

Over time it then becomes inevitable that self-worth and confidence will be the result. Here is a summary list of the basic rules as give
If one makes even a partial effort along these lines they will be rewarded by feeling better about themselves, and any progress helps make for more progress yet.

Diligent effort will be rewarded with maximum gain. Even if one cannot imagine what self-worth feels like, even if one is afraid of self-worth, these rules put forth a simple and functional plan to cling to, in order to achieve lasting and real self-worth. For those with gender issues, self-worth can often spell the difference between survival and destruction. Every living thing has the basic natural right to fight for it’s own survival. Bother to do so.

The basic principle is simple: start out with small successes, keep trying slightly greater things to achieve still greater successes, and surround yourself ONLY with supportive, mutual, encouraging people.

ATLAS SHRUGGED


Atlas

WHAT WOULD I DO AYN RAND ?

I would give it my best attempt, but as my knees buckled from it’s weight.  I would try to figure it out, what to do with it !

Do I smash it, or throw it off a cliff, but then the good dies with the evil ?

Do I try to cleanse it, to rid it of the filth and denigration, that I have felt carrying it?

Do I drape it in a Burka, so the femininity  and the Beauty of the sphere can no longer be seen?

Do I toss it into the darkness of the Abyss?

Why is it that only a man can carry the weight of the world, and not a woman?

Should I redefine it,  and instead of  Mankind call it Human kind?

Should I set it down and let the “Dung Beetles” roll it around?

Do I roll it through a car wash. and cleanse it of it’s Discrimination, Racism, Sexism, Intolerance and Bullying?

People’s happiness is upon my shoulders, should I make them happy  by continuing to carry it, or should I make myself happy,  and set it down?

I THINK I WILL SET IT ON A PEDISTAL, AND OBSERVE IT A LITTLE WHILD LONGER

WHY DID YOU POSE THAT QUESTION, AYN RAND, AND NOT ANSWER IT YOUR SELF !

I AM JAMIE LEE

AND THIS IS MY CRYSTAL CONNECTION

JAMIE LEE


There once was a girl

Who felt her pain

She had a life, but had no name

I look at you

I know what you see ,when you look at me

I know, But do you know,  what’s inside?

The part of me that I must hide

That you, made me, hold deep, deep inside

Do you know what you’d see,  if you deeper inside of me?

DO YOU ?

I AM THERE !

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE, AND THAT’S WHERE I WILL ALWAYS BE !

WHEN YOU LOOK INSIDE OF ME !

Do you have vision problems ? Do you?  Myopia, near-sightedness ?, Do you need glasses,  a magnifying glass, binoculars a telescope ?

WELL FIGHT IT !

LOOK DEEPER, LOOK GOD DAMN DEEPER !

I wouldn’t want you to miss out on a really Beautiful person !

AND WHEN YOU DON’T, YOU MADE ME CRY!

OR MADE ME DIE !

At times in my life when I feel severely handicapped can be pretty difficult for me to handle sometimes.

I mean my friends and loved ones don’t want to accept,  and go places with me because they are too embarrassed to be seen with me.

And people think I am stupid , because I don’t walk, talk and look like they do !

I am a lot smarter then you will ever know.

It’s not my fault, I was born this way!

No matter what we do together, we always have fun.

And when you see my smile, that’s how you know I LOVE YOU !

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ?

I AM NOT YOUR HANDICAP ! YOU ARE MINE !

Jamie Lee

Your son, Daughter, Wife, Husband, Doctor,  Lawyer, and Indian Chief

The person that,  some day may save your life !

THE CRYSTAL CONNECTION WELCOMES – 4,000 – FOUR THOUSAND VISITORS – FROM 59 – DIFFERENT COUNTRIES !


I am proud to announce that the Crystal Connection, has reached 4,000 visitors, from 51 Countries around the World.

I have published 177, posts, pertaining to GLBT Education and Acceptance.  My Crystal Connection stands for Freedom,  Acceptance of all people, races and religions.  I have worked in Law Enforcement to always protect the rights of others, the rights of others that were not afforded to me in my own transition.

I an my Crystal Connection, does not accept or promote the statement that ” Our Sexuality has to be without fault ! And that must function in strict conformity with all customs & laws !  No matter how illogical they are. and how much hypocrisy they may give rise”!

Jamie-Blk-Mural-S

I PROMOTE ACCEPTANCE AND FREEDOM FOR ALL PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD!

I PROMOTE ENDING DISCRIMINATION, BULLYING, INTOLLERANCE. SEXISM, RACISM !

I BELIEVE IN RELIGIOUS FREEDOMS.

I PROMOTE EGALITARIAN PEOPLE, WHO HAVE EGALTARIAN, IDEAS ABOUT GENDER !

I WILL CONTINUE TO EDUCATE AND ADVOCATE, FOR THE GLBT COMMUNITY AND OUR FREEDOMS.  I WILL CONTINUE TO EDUCATE ABOUT THE INTERSEXED COMMUNITY.

CRYSTAL CONNECTION NON-DISCRIMINATION POLICY – 2-26-2013

I AM MY CRYSTAL CONNECTION – PROHIBIT DISCRIMINATION AGAINST, AND HARRASSMENT,

OF ANYONE BECAUSE OF RACE, COLOR, NATIONAL OR ETHNIC ORIGIN,

AGE, RELIGION, SEX, SEXUAL ORIENTATION,

GENDER IDENTITY & EXPRESSION !

There will be zero tolerance for sites that show or promote, hidden agendas, moralistic behavior, BDSM, pornography, lewd or lascivious behaviur, she-male, sissyfication,  clown porn or any disrespectful photos. 

ADVOCATCY  & EDUCATION

I have be an Advocate in the Transgendered Community for approximately 15 years, during my transition.  I attended Renaissance Transgendered support groups and even taught at them.  I have attended numerous Transgendered Conferences in the Eastern Region of Pa.  I have previously ran a Transgendered support group in the Past.  I have experience in psychology, criminal justice, Domestic Violence, Child abuse, Rape, Stalking,  and much, much more.

Business cards

RESPONSIBILITIES OF A TEACHER AND ADVOCATE IN THE GLBT-INTERSEX COMMUNITY

AS AN ADVOCATE YOU MUST BE AWARE OF WHO YOU ARE TALKING TOO.  IS IT A WIFE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, SON, DAUGHTER, OR FRIEND OF THE TRANSGENDERED INDIVIDUAL.  YOU MUST BE SENSITIVE OF THE AGE, AND GENDER.  SUICIDE IS HIGH IN OUR COMMUNITY, SO YOU MUST INSURE THAT YOU PROVIDE ACCURATE FACTS, AVIOD OPINIONS.  WE MUST REALIZE AT ALL TIMES, WE DON’T KNOW WHO IS READING OUR STORIES.

WE MUST INSURE THAT WE PROVIDE NOTHING BUT FACTS AND REALISTIC STORIES ALONG WITH EDUCATION.

MY QUALIFICATIONS

COLLEGE VILLANOVA AND PENN STATE, CRIMINAL JUSTICE, PSYCHOLOGY, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, OCCULT, RAPE, CHILD MOLESTATION, MEGAN’S LAW, OUT LAW MOTORCYCLE CLUBS, INVESTIGTIONS, SEARCH AND SEIZURE, CURTURAL AWARENESS, RACEST GROUPS, FEMALE OFFENDERS IN TREATMENT, MH/MR ISSUES, GLBT SUPPORT AND ADVOCACY, CLOSE QUARTERS COMBAT, PRESSURE POINT CONTROL, AND MUCH,  MUCH MORE.   I TAUGHT COLLEGE CLASSES, I AM A CERTIFIED TRAINER IN ANTI TERRIORISM.  I WAS A PRIVATE DETECTIVE, ALONG WITH 30 YRS LAW ENFORCEMENT. 

THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY UPCOMMING BOOK WAS COMPLETED BY: WRITER, PLAYWRITE, AND AUTHOR. LISA BUFFINGTON !

SHE AND I ARE TEAMING UP FOR A PROJECT IN PUBLIC SPEAKING, WHICH WILL COVER MANY TOPICS, INCLUDING GLBT, INTOLLERANCE, DISCRIMINATION AND ALOT MORE !

I HAVE BEEN RECENTLY RECRUTED BY A MODELING AGENCY, AS A MODEL, ACTOR,  AND VOICE OVER.  I HAVE ATTENDED THE PA. MODEL & TALENT EXPO, ON CAMERA WORKSHOPS, ETC.

FINALLY I MAKE THIS OFFER.  IF ANYONE THAT VISITS MY CRYSTAL CONNECTION,  HAS ANYONE, HUSBAND, WIFE, CHILD, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, WHO NEEDS HELP, REFERENCES, SUPPORT, OR ADVICE.

PLEASE CONTACT ME

Jamie Lee – Crystal Connection

FIFTY NINE COUNTRIES

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BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA – By: Jamie Lee


The Boy Scouts!  I was a Boy Scout when I was young! My father was a Boy Scout and became a Scout Leader!

I went through the ranks and achieved “ORDER OF THE ARROW”  When I got out of the Military, I was a Scout Leader for many years.  Even working for the higher levels of the Scouting movement.

HMMMM!  I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD THINK IF THEY SAW ME TODAY !!!!!  AS A TRANSSEXUAL WOMAN!

SCOUT OATH OR PROMISE

On my honor I will do my best

To do my duty to God and my country

and to obey the Scout Law;

To help other people at all times;

To keep myself physically strong,

mentally awake, and morally straight.

Hmmmm!   I wonder how many typical people in our Society practice this!

A SCOUT IS !

Trust worthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean (in thought, body, and stands for clean speech, clean sport, clean habits, and travels with a clean crowd), and reverent!

HERE IS MY QUESTION TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS !

Do you live up to these standards?

IF YOU DO, I SURE AS HELL WANT TO MEET YOU !!!!

BECAUSE BOY SCOUTS IS NOT ABOUT SEXUAL ORIENTATION, OR SEXUAL PREFERENCES.

IT IS ABOUT BEING A DECENT,  CLEAN, AND A EXCEPTIONAL HUMAN BEING, FOR WHO YOU ARE !!!

GAY, LESBIAN, TRANSGENDERED, MAN WOMAN OR CHILD!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

JAMIE LEE

—– GAZEBO – LIFE – DEATH – MY FREEDOM – MY RELATIVES – THEIR RESPONSES-NUMBER 2


lgbt logo 10

THIS IS THE SECOND POST , RELATING TO MY RELATIVES.  IT IS ESPECIALLY EDUCATIONAL FOR THE TRANSGENDERED COMMUNITY, IN REFERENCE TO OUR ACCEPTANCE.  IT SHOWS THAT THERE IS A MANNER TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT US, WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY.  DON’T JUST THROW YOURSELF AT PEOPLE.

WHAT IS OCCURING HERE,  IS ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING THINGS,  IN MY LIFE.  THE ONLY THING I AM SAD ABOUT, IS NOT COMMING OUT SOONER.

THESE RELATIVES ARE VERY CLOSE TO ME.  AND THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SPECIAL!  THESE ARE THE REPONSES I AM GETTING:

From: Cindy

Date: Wed, Feb 6, 2013 at 10:32 PM

Subject: Hello!

Just wanted to say Hi! and let you know that I was thinking about you.  By the way, I like your pictures, you look great!  I will keep reading your blog, when time allows.

I actually found out that you had a blog from my mother because Diane talked to Sharon and my Mom at the funeral for Uncle Ron.  So, I was curious and goggled your blog and was impressed with it.  When I find time I want to read more so that I can educate my self and understand what you went through and continue to go through.  You did a great job with the website!  I really enjoyed reading your story/journal and have learned a lot just from that.

I am sorry that your children are not accepting.  From what I read, it seems like they want to keep it quiet from their friends and family.  It must be hard for them.  How is “M” with all of this?  If I am getting too personal, please let me know.  I will not be insulted, but just was curious because I am sure it was or is hard for her.

I am going to my Mother’s house with Dakota on Saturday and would love to get together with you, if that is ok or you fill up to it.  We could meet at the Coventry Mall, shop and have lunch.  And yes, you can dress like Jamie.  Think about it.  I would really like to see you, keep in touch and give you the support you deserve.  I think we could have a really good time, but if you’re not up to it, I really understand.  Just let me know by Friday night if you can.

Take Care,

Cindy

From: Cindy

Date: Wed, Feb 6, 2013 at 11:06 PM

Subject: Hey, Hey, Hey!

I just sent you an email and went on to your website afterword.  Guess I should have done things in reverse!  Thanks for posting my emails.  You are probably fighting a different battle when it comes to relatives not willing to accept you for who you are.  This is a tough subject for the average person.

I work for a really strict company, but truly have fun going to work every day.  My company will not tolerate negative comments about race, religion, sexual preference etc.  We have quite a few gay people at work, which can be difficult at times.  The minute an inappropriate comment is made it is dealt with.  We just can’t do it.  It has definitely taught all of us that everyone is different; we don’t have to like someone, but have to keep our thoughts to ourselves and/or accept the person.  I really love my job and the policies put in place.  They really protect each and every one of us.  Just thought I would pass this on.

Anyhow, you are in one hell of a tough situation.  Most people, especially older ones are set in their ways and just don’t get it or are not willing to try to understand something like this.  You know that.  Most people for the most part are not able to adapt to change very well.  My company works with us to achieve acceptance, change, etc.  I am proud of myself to have achieved understanding of people that are different from me (we have different culture events), accepting people for who they are, and not being judgmental.  Trust me, I would not be working there if I thought or did anything against our policies.  This is definitely a job that I truly enjoy going to each and every day.

By the way, would it be okay to call you sometime soon?  It’s okay sending emails, but I would really like to talk to you.  Promise me that you will consider lunch/shopping.  I need a few things, but would settle for lunch.   Boy, once I get started, I just don’t stop talking.  I was called “Chatty Cathy” as a child.  Stay in touch.

Take Care,

Cindy

MY RESPONSE TO HER:

By the way, No question is too personal. It would be fun getting together with you   You can e-mail, you can call , You can be my friend.  You would be amazed at the things that are occurring.   Hey I sent Carol and Diane my blog, and am asking that they respond with their comments and opinions.   It’s important.  I will also post it on my blog.   Maybe I can teach you some make-up tips!   Just kidding.  I would love to go to lunch or shopping with you………..WHO PAYS?    Ha ha       My autograph is actually on sale for two weeks.

Everything depends on this storm that is hitting us tonight into tomorrow.

Please keep in touch..

If you want call me tonight………….. After 6:30 p.m.  Or another night.

Chatty Cathy, hmmmmmmmmmmm.  Interesting………………..

Jamie Lee

I ASK THAT PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT HER COMPANY POLICIES!    WE ARE MOVING FORWARD IN OUR FREEDOM AND ACCEPTANCE.

THE NEXT FEW MONTHS ARE SPECIAL TO ME.  LISA BUFFINGTON AND I ARE TEAMING UP TO DO “PUBLIC SPEAKING” IN BUSINESSES, COLLEGES, AND SCHOOLS.    IT WILL BE ABOUT DISCRIMINATION, SEXISM, TOLERENCE AND WISDOM !!

ALSO, I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT VERY SOON MY BLOG WILL HAVE BEEN VISITED BY 4000 PEOPLE, FROM OVER 50 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES,  AROUND THE WORLD!  THANK YOU ALL !!!!!

AND LASTLY, TO ALL MY RELATIVES WHO DO VISIT THIS CRYSTAL CONNECTION, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE.    REMEMBER THIS!   I WAS BORN THIS WAY, THE PERSON, YOU HAVE KNOWN IS ONLY DRESSED DIFFERENTLY!

JAMIE LEE

GAZEBO – LIFE – DEATH – MY FREEDOM – MY RELATIVES


A SECRET

A SECRET!  WHEN ONE PERSON KNOWS , IT STILL MAY BE A SECRET!

WHEN TWO PEOPLE KNOW, THE WORLD KNOWS!

IN LIFE COMES DEATH – IN DEATH COMES LIFE – FREEDOM & ACCEPTANCE

DON’T LET BE DIE-WITHOUT LETTING ME LIVE

JAMIE LEE

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Pintrest your journey

THE LAST WEEK HAS BEEN VERY TRYING, AND INTENSE FOR ME.    LISA BUFFINGTON – A POET, PLAYWRITE, WRITER, AND A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,  HAS COMPLETED THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY BOOK,  SHE IS WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE!

THE MODELING AGENCY, WHO RECRUTED ME, IS NOW SETTING IT UP,  FOR ME, TO GO BEFORE, A CASTING DIRECTOR, IN MODELING AND ACTING.

LISA BUFFINGTON,  AND I,  ARE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS,  TO DO PUBLIC SPEAKING, IN SCHOOLS, COLLEGES, AND PRIVATE COMPANIES.

AND THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, I HEARD,  ABOUT THE DEATH OF A VERY CLOSE UNCLE, OF MINE!   AND,  I WENT TO HIS FUNERAL WITH,  MY WIFE,  ON SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2ND 2013,  AND THEN,  AFTERWARDS , A FUNCTION  WAS HELD , AT A LOCAL FIRE COMPANY.

HE HAPPENED TO BE ONE OF THE CLOSEST TO ME,  DURING MY LIFE. HE AND I HAD A BOND,  THAT CAN’T BE EXPLAINED IN COMMON WORDS.  I RESPECTED HIM AND HE RESPECTED ME.   I LOVED HIM AND HE LOVED ME.

My mother, had 4 other Sisters, and five brothers, so I was fortunate, to have many relatives, WHO were VERY close, and all loved each other!  And,  that did not include all my Cousins,  and then their children , everyone had integrity, and cared about each other.   And through out the years our bonds  were very,  very close!

SO HERE I WAS,  DRESSED IN DRAG AS A GUY.  MANY RELATIVES WERE THERE.  IT ALMOST FELT LIKE A FAMILY REUNION.

AS I WAS SITTING THERE, I FELT MANY SUTLE EYES, GLANCING TOWARDS ME.    AND WHEN I WALKED UP TO THE BAR FOR A DRINK, ONE OF MY COUSINS SAID TO ME:  “SO IS IT TRUE, WHAT I AM HEARING ABOUT YOU?”   I REPLIED “YES” 

WE HAD A WONDERFULL CONVERSATION.  IN FACT IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL CONVERSATION!

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY,  WORD SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE, AND,  I HAD MORE OF MY RELATIVES COMMING TO ME, AND ASKING.  SO I TOLD THEM!

THIS MORNING WHEN I LOOKED AT MY E-MAIL, THERE I SAW ONE FROM MY COUSIN, AND IT READS AS FOLLOWS:

Names have been changed to protect the innocent !!!

Hi Jamie,

Wow!  It’s been a long time and a lot has changed.  I am sure you know which cousin I am because I don’t think there is another Cindy but just in case, Kate and Sam’s Cindy

Over the past few years I have heard about what you are going through and today was able to find your website/blog.  I will not begin to say I understand what you are going through, however, I learned a lot from visiting your website.

I do not pass judgment and truly wish you well.  After reading your journey etc., my heart was broken and I was left feeling very sad.  It is a difficult situation to be in, especially after living a tortured life with such a big secret.  I can’t even imagine what you went through (especially as a child) all of those years, but I give you a lot of credit for being a great person and living a good life.  Most of all, I have the utmost respect for you “coming out.”  That’s really the only way to freedom.  Hopefully, one day you will be accepted for who you are today and live the life you have only dreamed about.

For the most part I am a very busy person.   I work a 40 hour job and more at times, am raising my almost 11 year old grandson (we adopted), who suffers from PTSD and a magnitude of other problems and just don’t have a lot of free time.  With that said, I would love to chat with you via email.  I don’t do Facebook etc.  Too busy.  I would like to offer my support and lend an ear when you need one.

You were always my favorite guy cousin and I will miss Jim, but am certain I would like Jamie just as much and who knows, maybe even more. Jaime, you deserve to be happy.  Hang in there, stay strong and write back!   Take care of yourself.  Got to get the kid to bed………………..

Sending My Love,

Cindy

AND TO HER I SAY!!!!    OMG,  THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KIND AND LOVING E-MAIL!   YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA, HOW YOUR WORDS MADE ME FEEL.   I REALLY DIDN’T FEEL YOU WOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING DIFFERENT!   THANK YOU AGAIN,  SO VERY MUCH…………………………………………………J

SO IT IS TIME FOR ME TO MAKE A STATMENT TO MY RELATIVES

AS YOU VISIT MY BLOG AND GET TO KNOW ME REMEMBER I AM THE SAME PERSON

I AM THE SAME PERSON WHOM YOU’VE KNOWN AND LOVED,  AS I LOVED YOU!

JUST IN DIFFERENT CLOTHS

SOME OF YOU MAY LAUGH, SOME OF YOU MAY GIGGLE

SOME OF YOU WILL MAKE CHARACHTER JUDGEMENTS

SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE QUESTIONS, WHICH I PROUDLY WILL ANSWER

AND I TRULY FEEL THAT,  ALL OF YOU WILL EMBRACE, LOVE AND ACCEPT ME,  FOR WHO I HAVE BEEN SINCE BIRTH

AND LASTELY REMEMBER THIS!

I FEEL BLESSED IN MY LIFE TO HAVE RELATIVES LIKE YOU!

I LOVE YOU ALL

JAMIE LEE

A/K/A

JIM

LASTLY ALL OF YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I MADE UP

IT WAS CAUSED BY GENETICS

THE MOMENT I STEPPED INTO THE GAZEBO, IN THE PHOTO ABOVE, I SCREAMED TO THE WORLD THAT I WAS FREE

FOR INFINITY

CURTSEY