MY STRUGGLE WITH SELF-WORTH BY: JAMIE LEE


butterflygirl

HOW TO CREATE SELF WORTH

One thing that almost all transsexuals, indeed almost all people at all, suffer from is a very low level of self-esteem.

Confidence, empowerment, the feeling of having value to one’s self, and to others, is greatly desired. For a great part of my life, I have known such a deep feeling of worthlessness that it was impossible for me to imagine just what feeling good about myself would be like. I understood intellectually that such a feeling must be better than what I knew, that there must be a positive way to feel about my own existence, but I simply could not imagine how it might be achieved.  One thing I often wished for in those times was for someone to explain to me exactly how to achieve real and lasting self-worth. No one could, with simple admonishments to ‘cheer up’, or mindless brush-offs in the form of ‘you’ll get over all that in time’ being the rule.

I have learned the secret that I sought long ago, and I imagine I am not the only soul to have been so desperate simply to feel some degree of goodness about myself. Perhaps others might wish to know the mechanism by which self-worth is generated. Here it is.

Self-worth depends on just a few basic factors.
 
 
Self-worth comes greatly from feeling that one has taken a sufficient degree of useful and valid action in the world. The nature and type of that action is irrelevant. What matters is that one feels that the actions taken are both useful and valid.

By useful, the action must accomplish something that provides benefit of some sort to one’s self or to others, or both.

By valid, the action must fit within the individual’s personal ethical framework. The action must be considered appropriate, necessary, correct, proper, or acceptable to the self.

By sufficient degree of action, the amount of action taken must feel like it is enough…for now. This last point is absolutely vital, and is often a stumbling block for people. It must be incorporated into the individual that there is such a thing as having done enough for a given period of time. This may require determining real and concrete rules for action in relation to time. Vague estimates may sometime lead to a condition of feeling like one has never done enough. This is detrimental, and ultimately, destructive. One must develop a reasonable concept of effort.

One way to develop a reasonable concept of how much is enough is to truly incorporate the bromide of ‘Having Done One’s Best’. It is reasonably easy for most people, unless they are incapacitated by clinical levels of depression more suited to medication than words, to judge when they have more or less done the best that they can.

To judge that one has done one’s best, within the time available, with the available resources, and under whatever duress was ambient, is useful in learning how to determine when one has done enough. Use this tool, it is a cliché for a reason: it works.

A last part of relating to action in the world is actually remembering the things one has done, and thinking about them. Self-reflection is important to self-worth. One must make the effort to consistently, and as dispassionately as possible, reflect upon the actions one has taken. The important part here is not to fuss over the action, but to be able to feel the sheer weight of the effort. One has to actively make one’s own actions count.

Indeed, the concepts listed above for achievement can be broken down into some basic rules to observe:

 LEARNING TO WALK

Self-worth is not instant. It is a process, not a thing! Self-worth is constantly being sapped and demolished by the nature of our society, and even the physics of our universe. A person is responsible for their own happiness, and also for their own self-worth. Neither can really be bought, sold, given or accepted, despite all fuss to the contrary. Self-worth, and happiness for that matter, must be CONSTRUCTED OVER TIME.

A baby cannot immediately run, but must first crawl, then walk. Self-worth cannot be truly, permanently gained overnight. At best an illusion of self-importance can be gained by fame or sudden success, but this mirage quickly fades. Lasting good feelings can only be achieved by developing a basic technique of constantly generating them.

The technique is simple and must forever be used: there is no point at which one may slack off. One must DO. Take action, small at first, then gradually greater, building up. It is that simple.

One note about the nature of action: one ALWAYS takes action. Doing nothing is also an action. The key is to do whatever one does deliberately, even if that action is to do nothing. One must make the effort to take responsibility for both action, and inaction. Always be aware that one cannot help but choose. Choice is not a privilege; it is a fact of existence.

Choose actions to take that are well within the realm of success. Successes build self-confidence, and so one must stockpile them up. The successes do not need to be great, they need to be abundant.

This is an important point. There is sometimes the confusion that one must achieve great things to feel great. This is often counterproductive, because it can lead to attempting things far out of one’s league, and thus produce ego shattering failures. It is easy to understand that abundant failure breeds self-loathing. The reverse must be understood to be true as well. Abundant successes…even small ones…gradually create self-worth.

Huge successes are dramatic and can boost self-worth a great deal, if briefly. However the risk of failure is greater, and at the lowest levels of self-esteem this becomes critical. Tiny successes may seem too small to be satisfying, but over time they stockpile. Enough tiny successes can create sufficient confidence and self-knowledge to make larger action successful.

This too can be put into simple rules:
 
 
 LIFE SUPPORT

Even if one diligently applies all of the concepts above, it can come to naught if the drain of the environment is too great. Human beings are social creatures, we require other people -or at least other animals- and we gain much of our orientation and validation from social contact.

Other beings are our mirrors, they reflect to us what and who we are by the effect we have upon them. It must be understood, however, that not all mirrors are equal, and that some mirrors totally distort what they reflect.

If an individual is very lacking in self-worth, this can become a difficult issue. As social animals we hunger for company, and if we are low in self-esteem, we may feel unworthy of decent company and grateful for any attention at all. Poor quality attention, from unworthy people, is often worse than being alone for a while.

There is a fairly easy way to determine if the company one keeps is worth keeping, or should be actively avoided. Judge whether you are being raised or lowered emotionally. Does your companionship make you feel good?

If your companions consistently degrade you, if their comments and the overall emotional effect of them makes you feel bad about yourself, life, your plans and attempts at achievement, your happiness and usefulness, then your companions are destructive to you.

A worthwhile companion, a worthy friend, consistently helps to lift your spirits. This does not mean that they agree with you on everything, or support every plan you construct, rather it means that overall, they encourage rather than condemn, offer help rather than despair, and show that you are worth their time and effort, by consistent mutuality.

Unworthy people must be avoided. No matter who they are, what their relationship to you is, or their social or emotional connection. This is not a matter of ego or whim; this is a matter of survival. Avoid those who drag you down, who minimalize or abuse you, or otherwise depress and sadden you. Loneliness can be cured in time, but a bad relationship can drag on indefinitely and limit the chances of gaining better relationships.

A valid relationship is a mutual thing. It must be. If it is not, it is not real, and is best left. To be mutual, a relationship must show roughly balanced interaction: What is done is returned in kind. A valid relationship builds up, and enhances power, self-worth, and provides support and assistance. It is trustworthy and useful for all parties involved. If it is not, even if it be a bond of blood or law, it is poison, and must be abandoned if it cannot be changed into a valid form. This must be followed.

If the basic concept outlined above is consistently and diligently followed, the result will be a gradual build up of self-worth and confidence. With it will come an increase in satisfaction, contentment, and add to overall happiness. The basic principle is simple: start out with small successes, keep trying slightly greater things to achieve still greater successes, and surround yourself ONLY with supportive, mutual, encouraging people.

Over time it then becomes inevitable that self-worth and confidence will be the result. Here is a summary list of the basic rules as give
If one makes even a partial effort along these lines they will be rewarded by feeling better about themselves, and any progress helps make for more progress yet.

Diligent effort will be rewarded with maximum gain. Even if one cannot imagine what self-worth feels like, even if one is afraid of self-worth, these rules put forth a simple and functional plan to cling to, in order to achieve lasting and real self-worth. For those with gender issues, self-worth can often spell the difference between survival and destruction. Every living thing has the basic natural right to fight for it’s own survival. Bother to do so.

The basic principle is simple: start out with small successes, keep trying slightly greater things to achieve still greater successes, and surround yourself ONLY with supportive, mutual, encouraging people.

JAMIE LEE – ME & MY MIRROR


WHAT MORE CAN BE SAID………………………………………………………………………………..Jamie Lee

for infinity

I am Jamie Lee

—– GAZEBO – LIFE – DEATH – MY FREEDOM – MY RELATIVES – THEIR RESPONSES-NUMBER 2


lgbt logo 10

THIS IS THE SECOND POST , RELATING TO MY RELATIVES.  IT IS ESPECIALLY EDUCATIONAL FOR THE TRANSGENDERED COMMUNITY, IN REFERENCE TO OUR ACCEPTANCE.  IT SHOWS THAT THERE IS A MANNER TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT US, WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY.  DON’T JUST THROW YOURSELF AT PEOPLE.

WHAT IS OCCURING HERE,  IS ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING THINGS,  IN MY LIFE.  THE ONLY THING I AM SAD ABOUT, IS NOT COMMING OUT SOONER.

THESE RELATIVES ARE VERY CLOSE TO ME.  AND THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SPECIAL!  THESE ARE THE REPONSES I AM GETTING:

From: Cindy

Date: Wed, Feb 6, 2013 at 10:32 PM

Subject: Hello!

Just wanted to say Hi! and let you know that I was thinking about you.  By the way, I like your pictures, you look great!  I will keep reading your blog, when time allows.

I actually found out that you had a blog from my mother because Diane talked to Sharon and my Mom at the funeral for Uncle Ron.  So, I was curious and goggled your blog and was impressed with it.  When I find time I want to read more so that I can educate my self and understand what you went through and continue to go through.  You did a great job with the website!  I really enjoyed reading your story/journal and have learned a lot just from that.

I am sorry that your children are not accepting.  From what I read, it seems like they want to keep it quiet from their friends and family.  It must be hard for them.  How is “M” with all of this?  If I am getting too personal, please let me know.  I will not be insulted, but just was curious because I am sure it was or is hard for her.

I am going to my Mother’s house with Dakota on Saturday and would love to get together with you, if that is ok or you fill up to it.  We could meet at the Coventry Mall, shop and have lunch.  And yes, you can dress like Jamie.  Think about it.  I would really like to see you, keep in touch and give you the support you deserve.  I think we could have a really good time, but if you’re not up to it, I really understand.  Just let me know by Friday night if you can.

Take Care,

Cindy

From: Cindy

Date: Wed, Feb 6, 2013 at 11:06 PM

Subject: Hey, Hey, Hey!

I just sent you an email and went on to your website afterword.  Guess I should have done things in reverse!  Thanks for posting my emails.  You are probably fighting a different battle when it comes to relatives not willing to accept you for who you are.  This is a tough subject for the average person.

I work for a really strict company, but truly have fun going to work every day.  My company will not tolerate negative comments about race, religion, sexual preference etc.  We have quite a few gay people at work, which can be difficult at times.  The minute an inappropriate comment is made it is dealt with.  We just can’t do it.  It has definitely taught all of us that everyone is different; we don’t have to like someone, but have to keep our thoughts to ourselves and/or accept the person.  I really love my job and the policies put in place.  They really protect each and every one of us.  Just thought I would pass this on.

Anyhow, you are in one hell of a tough situation.  Most people, especially older ones are set in their ways and just don’t get it or are not willing to try to understand something like this.  You know that.  Most people for the most part are not able to adapt to change very well.  My company works with us to achieve acceptance, change, etc.  I am proud of myself to have achieved understanding of people that are different from me (we have different culture events), accepting people for who they are, and not being judgmental.  Trust me, I would not be working there if I thought or did anything against our policies.  This is definitely a job that I truly enjoy going to each and every day.

By the way, would it be okay to call you sometime soon?  It’s okay sending emails, but I would really like to talk to you.  Promise me that you will consider lunch/shopping.  I need a few things, but would settle for lunch.   Boy, once I get started, I just don’t stop talking.  I was called “Chatty Cathy” as a child.  Stay in touch.

Take Care,

Cindy

MY RESPONSE TO HER:

By the way, No question is too personal. It would be fun getting together with you   You can e-mail, you can call , You can be my friend.  You would be amazed at the things that are occurring.   Hey I sent Carol and Diane my blog, and am asking that they respond with their comments and opinions.   It’s important.  I will also post it on my blog.   Maybe I can teach you some make-up tips!   Just kidding.  I would love to go to lunch or shopping with you………..WHO PAYS?    Ha ha       My autograph is actually on sale for two weeks.

Everything depends on this storm that is hitting us tonight into tomorrow.

Please keep in touch..

If you want call me tonight………….. After 6:30 p.m.  Or another night.

Chatty Cathy, hmmmmmmmmmmm.  Interesting………………..

Jamie Lee

I ASK THAT PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT HER COMPANY POLICIES!    WE ARE MOVING FORWARD IN OUR FREEDOM AND ACCEPTANCE.

THE NEXT FEW MONTHS ARE SPECIAL TO ME.  LISA BUFFINGTON AND I ARE TEAMING UP TO DO “PUBLIC SPEAKING” IN BUSINESSES, COLLEGES, AND SCHOOLS.    IT WILL BE ABOUT DISCRIMINATION, SEXISM, TOLERENCE AND WISDOM !!

ALSO, I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT VERY SOON MY BLOG WILL HAVE BEEN VISITED BY 4000 PEOPLE, FROM OVER 50 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES,  AROUND THE WORLD!  THANK YOU ALL !!!!!

AND LASTLY, TO ALL MY RELATIVES WHO DO VISIT THIS CRYSTAL CONNECTION, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE.    REMEMBER THIS!   I WAS BORN THIS WAY, THE PERSON, YOU HAVE KNOWN IS ONLY DRESSED DIFFERENTLY!

JAMIE LEE

GAZEBO – LIFE – DEATH – MY FREEDOM – MY RELATIVES


A SECRET

A SECRET!  WHEN ONE PERSON KNOWS , IT STILL MAY BE A SECRET!

WHEN TWO PEOPLE KNOW, THE WORLD KNOWS!

IN LIFE COMES DEATH – IN DEATH COMES LIFE – FREEDOM & ACCEPTANCE

DON’T LET BE DIE-WITHOUT LETTING ME LIVE

JAMIE LEE

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Pintrest your journey

THE LAST WEEK HAS BEEN VERY TRYING, AND INTENSE FOR ME.    LISA BUFFINGTON – A POET, PLAYWRITE, WRITER, AND A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,  HAS COMPLETED THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY BOOK,  SHE IS WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE!

THE MODELING AGENCY, WHO RECRUTED ME, IS NOW SETTING IT UP,  FOR ME, TO GO BEFORE, A CASTING DIRECTOR, IN MODELING AND ACTING.

LISA BUFFINGTON,  AND I,  ARE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS,  TO DO PUBLIC SPEAKING, IN SCHOOLS, COLLEGES, AND PRIVATE COMPANIES.

AND THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, I HEARD,  ABOUT THE DEATH OF A VERY CLOSE UNCLE, OF MINE!   AND,  I WENT TO HIS FUNERAL WITH,  MY WIFE,  ON SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2ND 2013,  AND THEN,  AFTERWARDS , A FUNCTION  WAS HELD , AT A LOCAL FIRE COMPANY.

HE HAPPENED TO BE ONE OF THE CLOSEST TO ME,  DURING MY LIFE. HE AND I HAD A BOND,  THAT CAN’T BE EXPLAINED IN COMMON WORDS.  I RESPECTED HIM AND HE RESPECTED ME.   I LOVED HIM AND HE LOVED ME.

My mother, had 4 other Sisters, and five brothers, so I was fortunate, to have many relatives, WHO were VERY close, and all loved each other!  And,  that did not include all my Cousins,  and then their children , everyone had integrity, and cared about each other.   And through out the years our bonds  were very,  very close!

SO HERE I WAS,  DRESSED IN DRAG AS A GUY.  MANY RELATIVES WERE THERE.  IT ALMOST FELT LIKE A FAMILY REUNION.

AS I WAS SITTING THERE, I FELT MANY SUTLE EYES, GLANCING TOWARDS ME.    AND WHEN I WALKED UP TO THE BAR FOR A DRINK, ONE OF MY COUSINS SAID TO ME:  “SO IS IT TRUE, WHAT I AM HEARING ABOUT YOU?”   I REPLIED “YES” 

WE HAD A WONDERFULL CONVERSATION.  IN FACT IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL CONVERSATION!

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY,  WORD SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE, AND,  I HAD MORE OF MY RELATIVES COMMING TO ME, AND ASKING.  SO I TOLD THEM!

THIS MORNING WHEN I LOOKED AT MY E-MAIL, THERE I SAW ONE FROM MY COUSIN, AND IT READS AS FOLLOWS:

Names have been changed to protect the innocent !!!

Hi Jamie,

Wow!  It’s been a long time and a lot has changed.  I am sure you know which cousin I am because I don’t think there is another Cindy but just in case, Kate and Sam’s Cindy

Over the past few years I have heard about what you are going through and today was able to find your website/blog.  I will not begin to say I understand what you are going through, however, I learned a lot from visiting your website.

I do not pass judgment and truly wish you well.  After reading your journey etc., my heart was broken and I was left feeling very sad.  It is a difficult situation to be in, especially after living a tortured life with such a big secret.  I can’t even imagine what you went through (especially as a child) all of those years, but I give you a lot of credit for being a great person and living a good life.  Most of all, I have the utmost respect for you “coming out.”  That’s really the only way to freedom.  Hopefully, one day you will be accepted for who you are today and live the life you have only dreamed about.

For the most part I am a very busy person.   I work a 40 hour job and more at times, am raising my almost 11 year old grandson (we adopted), who suffers from PTSD and a magnitude of other problems and just don’t have a lot of free time.  With that said, I would love to chat with you via email.  I don’t do Facebook etc.  Too busy.  I would like to offer my support and lend an ear when you need one.

You were always my favorite guy cousin and I will miss Jim, but am certain I would like Jamie just as much and who knows, maybe even more. Jaime, you deserve to be happy.  Hang in there, stay strong and write back!   Take care of yourself.  Got to get the kid to bed………………..

Sending My Love,

Cindy

AND TO HER I SAY!!!!    OMG,  THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KIND AND LOVING E-MAIL!   YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA, HOW YOUR WORDS MADE ME FEEL.   I REALLY DIDN’T FEEL YOU WOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING DIFFERENT!   THANK YOU AGAIN,  SO VERY MUCH…………………………………………………J

SO IT IS TIME FOR ME TO MAKE A STATMENT TO MY RELATIVES

AS YOU VISIT MY BLOG AND GET TO KNOW ME REMEMBER I AM THE SAME PERSON

I AM THE SAME PERSON WHOM YOU’VE KNOWN AND LOVED,  AS I LOVED YOU!

JUST IN DIFFERENT CLOTHS

SOME OF YOU MAY LAUGH, SOME OF YOU MAY GIGGLE

SOME OF YOU WILL MAKE CHARACHTER JUDGEMENTS

SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE QUESTIONS, WHICH I PROUDLY WILL ANSWER

AND I TRULY FEEL THAT,  ALL OF YOU WILL EMBRACE, LOVE AND ACCEPT ME,  FOR WHO I HAVE BEEN SINCE BIRTH

AND LASTELY REMEMBER THIS!

I FEEL BLESSED IN MY LIFE TO HAVE RELATIVES LIKE YOU!

I LOVE YOU ALL

JAMIE LEE

A/K/A

JIM

LASTLY ALL OF YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I MADE UP

IT WAS CAUSED BY GENETICS

THE MOMENT I STEPPED INTO THE GAZEBO, IN THE PHOTO ABOVE, I SCREAMED TO THE WORLD THAT I WAS FREE

FOR INFINITY

CURTSEY

POST # 2 – A STORY ABOUT MY PRESENT LIFE & MY EXPECTATIONS ! MY CHILDREN !!!


Jamie-standing

THERE IS NO RULES FOR US AS TRANSSEXUALS!    I FEEL THAT THERE ARE SOCIATAL RULES FOR A HETROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP,  AS WELL AS WELL AS THE CONDUCT OF THE GAY AND LESBIAN LIFESTYLE! 

   WHEN I WAS BORN,  THERE WAS NO INSTRUCTIONS,  THAT CAME WITH THE PACKAGE.  THERE WERE NO RULES,  AS WELL AS A “BOOK OF “HOYLE” , THAT CAME ALONG WITH THE PARAMATERS OF THE GAME.

      A book of Hoyle   Contains all the Games Played in the United States, with Rules, Descriptions, and Technicalities Adapted to the American Methods of Playing!

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying, that in life there is structured rules for the behaviorisms of the Heterosexual Relationships , however there are certain paths that are obvious!

Meet, date, marry, have children, walk hand in hand, arms around each other, have children, go dancing, be a  women attend to their hair,  and beauty, along with the rest.  Men watch sports, go hunting, fishing, work, be a law abiding citizen. look at photos of their marriage or life, reminisce, raise their children, grow old together, and then die!

You get the point!

Now to Cross dressers & Transsexuals

Again, understand the difference between the two:  Cross dressers have feminine feelings, like to dress on occasion as woman, can take the cloths off, and life goes on!  Typically these individuals are in healthy, Heterosexual Relationships.

Transsexuals on the other hand, were dealt the fate, to be born in the wrong body, have a core value of femininity, which is a life long struggle do deal with, and to come to terms with,  in their own self-acceptance.  Our brains are that of a natal woman, but our bodies don’t match.  The cause of this, to-date is from GENETICS

Now, what are the rules for us?  There are none!  We were born with no instructions, directions or rules, we have to fly by the seat of our pants, and usually on one engine

There is no one that can teach us, so we seek the comfort of  others in the same dilemma, for those answers!

Now I will say some things before I get back to the topic of my children!   As a male,  I have done all the things I stated above, in the heterosexual rules.

Don’t get me wrong,  I would not replace a thing, that I experienced.   As a male, I met my wife, (which by the way will be the topic of, my next progressive post ) Message to my children:  I loved her, I wanted to get married, I wanted Children! Especially YOU!

I am getting emotional – so I need this song to bring me back!

A song that I have listened too so many times

BECAUSE IT IS HOW I FEEL

BACK TO REALITY !!!!!  And my story, and my feelings, hopes dreams and aspirations…………………………….

TO MAKE A POINT!  I COVERED ABOVE THE EXPECTED BEHAVIOURISMS, OF A HETROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP!

When I was delivered, the Doctor slapped ME, when in fact,  he should have slapped,  the shit out of my Mother for giving birth to me!

I didn’t know what my fate was as a baby.  It wasn’t until the age of 5-7 years old,  that I realized, I was different! And initially I didn’t know what extreme trauma would accompany that!  Could I exist? NO!  So I had to learn at that young age to HIDE!  So I hid!  And I grew up into adolescence and hid.  I grew as a teenager and I hid.  I went into the Military and hid.  I went into Law Enforcement and I continued to hide, even into the beginning of my marriage.  I was highly trained in the Art of hiding!  For fear of  being hurt!  I was a highly trained “NINJA” in the Art of hiding, and deception, and lack of courage, to deal with the dynamics of who I was, and born to be by the grace of GOD!  I couldn’t dance as Jamie, I couldn’t live as Jamie, I couldn’t sing as Jamie, watch sports, TV, hold hands, and experience life as Jamie!      Jamie had to hide !  What she did best !

IT IS NOW, THAT I WANT TO INTERJECT SOMETHING, WHICH I PRAY TO GOD WILL INSTILL A REALIZATION INTO MY WIFE, CHILDREN, LOVED ONE’S AND FRIENDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND TO THE MAJORITY OF SOCIETY,  WHO DENIES ME !!

I WANT YOU !  TO STUDY THIS PHOTO BELOW!

I WANT YOU TO SHOW THE RESPECT AND,  STUDY IT CLOSELY !!

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Photography by: Carolyn Cate

Incarceration is compared,  to the years of being incarcerated.   A person who has received a life sentence, and spent say approximately 30 years in prison, can become dependent and institutionalized.   If they are fortunate enough to be Pardoned, and step out into Society, it can be surreal and even traumatizing. 

I COMPARE MY OWN LIFE, AS BEING INCARCERATED

for so many reasons

What this photo above means to me and about me, is the surreal feelings, the feeling of being released from incarceration, of who I was inside and meant to be. 

When I saw this Gazebo in the middle of the Park

I didn’t have fore thought about,  what I was about to do

It was like I was driven by some unknown force, whether, it be a God or a Goddess, or just a divine intervention

I just walked to the middle of it, threw up my arms, and screamed at the top of my voice!

I AM JAMIE LEE AND I AM FREE !!!!!!!!!

I wasn’t thinking about loved ones,  friends,  foes or anything else.   I was thinking about ME!  JUST ME!

It was almost was like, I felt at birth – I was reborn – I felt like a woman,  in it’s divine totality, I felt the beauty of the Estrogen,  flowing in my body, Soul and Spirit-I finally felt freedom, and completeness,  even if it was,  for a short period of time.  It was euphoric!

In hind-sight, I wish I knew, what the other people in, voice range, in the Park,  thought, when the heard me yell that!

I have been living with a pink elephant, in the living room,  for far too long.  My family, at times supportive, and at other times wanting me to just keep things status quo, and, to avoid the conflict of my transition.  My transition is not a choice, it’s a fact,  and even during times when we don’t talk about it,  which is unfortunately more often than not, the issue is there, always like that big pink elephant that we all know is there,  but refuse to acknowledge.  I have a son in law that doesn’t even know I am transgendered.  My daughter has told me over and over again that she supports me and loves me no matter what,  but then on the other hand,  says that we can’t tell her husband or his family because they “won’t understand”.  My daughter seems to feel that it is better to protect her husband,  and in-laws from my reality,  but is it really?

Eventually the truth will come out, it has to,  and when it does,  I am afraid they will feel betrayed,  when they find out that she knew all along,  and hid it from them.  She says she supports and accepts,  me but lies to her husband, her partner in life about her own parent?  I wish she could understand that,  not only does this forced double life hurt me, it is very likely to hurt her marriage,  because of her lies.

My son’s wife and I were really close at one time, having long conversations about being transgendered,  and also about my transitioning.  She seemed very interested and understanding.  I thought we had a very close relationship,  until I found out that at a party,  she was telling other people including my wife,  that I was talking about my blog,  and about what I blog about,  which is transgendered issues.  This caused a huge conflict within the family and left me feeling very betrayed.  How can she tell me over and over that she understands,  and that she supports me,  and then go behind my back like that?

Which is true?  Did she mean it when she said she understood and accepted me?,  or does she really think I am wrong?  It has hurt my trust in her.  This has also perpetuated some problems between my son and I .  He asked me if I wanted to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving and as soon as I said ‘sure, just let me get changed” he said that if I was going to go “dressed” as Jamie then he didn’t want to go.  How disappointed I was, that he was embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me.  I wish I could make him understand that Jamie, is me,   I don’t “dress as” Jamie.  In the future to their homes, but I do plan,  to just get in the car and stop asking for permission to be who I am.  Why should I have to ask permission for what to wear from anyone much less my son.

There was an insinuation,  that they accepted me, however, didn’t want me around for fear of what, their son, will have to deal with in school, etc.

My Grandson is a little over 2 years old !

SO YOU BE THE JUDGE, IS THIS FACT? OR CRAP?

I know!

FRIVOLOUS

A word characterized by lack of seriousness , sense or purpose, not worthy any more,  of serious notice!

To me, this is a moment of solemn realization, that comes crashing

in on you out of no where!

When I just typed this, for the first time, I thought about that Horse.  The one that is attached to a Carriage, and has that CARROT. dangling in front of him, and keeps, walking, running, and pushing forward, to get it.  I wonder if that horse, ever realizes that he can’t get it?  And stops going after it,  as it still dangles in front of him, knowing that,  he still loves  this  carrot, however was unreachable!

In my life at present, as pertains to my hopes, dreams aspirations, which is my carrot !

You see, it wasn’t until a few days ago, that I had to deal,  with the word frivolous.

In my life, the most important things, like love, relationships, children, friends, goals, acceptances of my self and others and especially MY FEELINGS ABOUT INFINITY – seem to be frivolous, it deeply hurts me.

DOES IT MEAN, THAT AT THIS MOMENT, I WILL GIVE UP – NO –  BUT SINCE, THE REALIZATION HITS YOU. THROUGH THE ACTIONS OR WORDS OF ALL THE PEOPLE OR THINGS MENTIONED – THEY,  ARE GUILTY OF CREATING THIS FEELING WITHIN ME,  TOWARDS, THINGS OR ACTIONS,  BEING FRIVOLOUS, AND CAN’T BLAME ME,  FOR ANY OF MY ACTIONS!

DO I TRULY KNOW AT THIS MOMENT,  HOW MY CHILDREN ACCEPT AND FEEL ABOUT ME, BEING TRANSSEXUAL?

NO! NOT IN IT’S TOTALITY,  BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT CONVERSE WITH ME ABOUT IT !  HOW SAD !

WILL THEY BE ANGRY, WHEN THEY SEE WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT THEM

 ABOVE?

MOST LIKELY

BUT ONE THING I KNOW !!!  I MUST PLAY THE CARDS AS THEY FALL

I AM

JAMIE LEE

A TRANSSEXUAL – GENETIC WOMAN

AND FOR ALL TO KNOW – I AM NOT GIVING UP YET, ON ANYTHING

thank you for reading my story

A STORY ABOUT MY PRESENT LIFE & MY EXPECTATIONS ! MY CHILDREN !!! POST #1


 This post was inspired by my own thoughts and feelings!

Which, inspired me, to realize,  that it is time, to talk about my children!

MY WIFE, MY FAMILY & LOVED ONES

This is going to be one of the most intense posts I have written so far!

It will be a time line of sort!

Of people, places and things!

Because it is time to talk about things!

I have been holding off doing, because of my own fears!

Society is not first, and foremost in my life anymore!

My family, loved ones, friends are!

BUT! I must feel, that I can write freely, without censorship!  and anyone misinterpreting my words!

If you do, please show me the, respect and courtesy, to ask me what I meant!

 HOW DARE YOU ALLOW ME TO DIE !  WITHOUT ALLOWING ME TO LIVE

A quote from:  Jamie Lee

cropped patio

ME-MY LONELINESS

From Childhood’s hour I have not been as others were – I have not seen as others saw – I could not bring my passions from a common spring!   EDGAR ALLEN POE

    LONELY, AFRAID, ANGRY, CONFUSED, SECLUDED, INCARCERATED, DEPRESSED, TORTURED, TRAUMATIZED, FRUSTRATED,       MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXAUSTED, AND INCOMPLETE!

These are all real words to me!  When was the last time that you felt them all at the same time?

SEXUALITY & GENDER:  OUR SEXUALITY HAS TO BE WITHOUT FAULT!  IT MUST FUNCTION IN STRICT CONFORMITY WITH ALL CUSTOMS & LAWS!  NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH HYPOCRICY THEY MAY GIVE RISE!

To be honest I am sick and tired, I am exhausted, I am fed up, I am pissed off,  by constantly being pissed on.  I am tired of the “Me Generation”  I am tired of constantly trying to prove myself to everyone, but not to myself.   Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door!  I am tired of hatred, discrimination, racism, hatred of cultures and religion, intolerance and deception!  I am weary of surviving.  It seems we are constantly being controlled by the Educated Derelicts of our World

.My philosophy is:

 ” It’s better to be, tried by 12, than carried by 6″ 

I am dealing with constant P.T.S.D, from my 30 years of Law-enforcement and going through what I did, dealing with the Dredges Of Society!  Standing on the Edge of the Abyss, to PROTECT YOU!   After being spun, folded and mutated, by the very Society that shuns ME!  I PLACED MY LIFE,  IN DANGER, EVERY DAY, FOR THE SAME ASS HOLES, WHO WON’T ACCEPT ME AS, WHO I AM, AND WHO I WAS BORN TO BE  !!!!!!!!

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

YOU ARE PATHETIC

AND NOW ABOUT MY CHILDREN

I raised my children with the following expectations and  Philosophy’s :  Stand up for yourselves, and never be taken advantage of.  Be the best you can be and anything!  Failing is OK, get up and go again.  Have a understanding of Morals, especially, your own!  Do not be a Racist, sexist or hypocrite!  Always have an open mind.  Respect people, places and things, as you want to be respected.  Live your life with integrity.  Make your own, children proud to follow in your footsteps.    DO NOT Discriminate!  Never show intolerance.  Always care about the feelings of others.  Respect cultures, religion and humanistic values!  If you don’t understand, educate your self before you make any decision!   For the purpose of this post I am writing about my expectations.  I was gifted and fortunate in life, to have a wife that believed in the same values and expectations.

Most importantly, we taught them about treating people compassionately, with their diversities, whether, it be handicaps, physical abnormalities, or skills, abilities and education !   Respect other peoples opinions and views……..!

And to be honest!  I am pretty damn proud of them!  Where they have gone, with their Careers, relationships, and goals!   I couldn’t ask for anything more, at least at the time, I felt that way.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE INTENSITY, PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALONG WITH ACCEPTANCE, UNDERSTANDING AND TREATEMENT OF US AS TRANSSEXUALS, IS GENERATIONAL.  WE AS OLDER TRANSEXXUALS, HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH,  MORE STRUGGLES TO TRANSITION, THEN THE YOUNGER, TRANSGENDERED COMMUNITY…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….!

They can transition into their lives!  We have lived our lives, under constant fear, that we would lose the most precious things to us, our parents, our brothers & sisters, our Wives, our relationships, our significant others, our loved ones, our friends, and our children.  You see, we must transition into a life that we have already built, through our own trials and tribulations, fears and expectations.  And our own self-Acceptance.   It is not easy, in fact it is a nightmare, which no typical human being could fathom, or understand.

Now, back to the topic of my children!   Since the moment and time that I told my children that I was a transsexual, does anyone think that I was stupid enough not to understand the dynamics, that came along with that!  First was their reaction, and acceptance of me.  When I told each one of my two children the were in their late 20’s, my son and my daughter.  They both embraced me at that moment, and said it was OK.  It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

BUT, did they think for a moment, that I wasn’t aware, and conscious, concerning their ability’s and capabilities to understand?  Of course I was, I had to live through all the dilemma of exposing myself to them.  I knew, if I did, when they were children, that I could have changed their lives in so many ways.  Tragic in many ways.   Do they think I didn’t understand, especially back then, how they would have been ridiculed, laughed at, embarrassed, and humiliated by their friends and peers, knowing that their father was a Transsexual?   I did! Ever so intensely and painfully.  I did what any parent would do!  Protect them!  Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right, but it was a choice.   Plus, how could I expect them, or anyone else to understand,  this shit back then, when I didn’t understand myself.   My God what a dilemma!  I felt like a mentally ill,  freak of nature.   Since childhood!

NOW MY CHILDREN ARE IN THEIR 30’s, MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. DECENT HUSBANDS AND WIFES, JOBS THAT HAVE PROFESSIONALISM AND INTEGRITY.   THEY ARE LEARNING ABOUT THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF LIFE, AND THE COLERATAL DAMAGE, OF  SICK AND UNMORALISTIC SOCIETY, WHICH IS ALL WE HERE ABOUT , DISCRIMINATION, INTOLERANCE,  AND DEATH OF INNOCENT CHILDREN ND ADULTS.   THE FILTH AND THE DEGRIDATION,  OF THE DREDGES OF SOCIETY, WHICH IS ON TV, AND PROMOTED FOR THE ENJOYMENT, OF SOME SORT OF PATHETIC AUDIENCE!   RE: THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, THE USE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN , AND ALL THE REST,  TO GAIN RATINGS, FOR MONETARY GAIN! AND ARE CAPABLE OF UTILIZING INNOCENT CHILDREN!

We all are reaching our toleration, of greedy and filthy Politicians, who only have their own hidden Agendas.  We are in a war, with people and Cultures we don’t understand.  We tend to feel that WE as Americans, are the only, life forms that deserve to exist.  Economy sucks, gas prices suck, The bullshit that is fed to us by our own Government sucks. Gun control sucks, because there IS an easy answer, DO BACKGROUND CHECKS!  When a Convicted Felon, Is found in possession, incarcerate him for 50 years.  Or better yet, pry the gun from “HIS Cold Dead Hands”  Don’t penalize the respectful, law abiding Citizens!   Give more power to deal with Metal health, Disorders who are capable of hurting their selves, or especially others!!

Criminals have rights! VICTIMS HAVE NONE!  Holy shit!  Something is wrong with us!

GO, figure that all the Pharmaceutical Company’s have jumped aboard the band wagon to make money at the demise of people.  There is a pill now available that cures any ailment, and at the same time can destroy, your liver, kidney’s, make you nauseous, dizzy, suicidal, and potentially a basket comatose case!

I love the one about Cialis, and Viagra!   Guys, this IS you love potion of today.  You no longer have to use you brain to get turned on,  by a beautiful woman!  You can just pop this magical, pill.  That will put a mile on her face!  Jesus Christ, you even have the propensity to have a, 4 hour erection! 

I would have been happy in my life, to have one last for more that 15 minutes. Damn,  4 hours, I would have been floating down a river, with a smile on my face, yelling “OPEN THE DRAW BRIDGE”!                    This may be funny, but it is grossly pathetic……………..!

SO BACK TO MY CHILDREN!  I THINK I HAVE GOTTEN THE POINT, ACROSS,  OF WHAT,  I WAS SAYING ABOVE !  AT LEAST I HOPE!

What should I expect of my Children, in my life right now?   And,  should I expect anything?

WHAT SHOULD I EXPECT,  FROM MY CHILDREN ?      I AT LEAST EXPECT THE FOLLOWING:  

1.    Respect

2.   I expect that they, at least research on occasion,  and learn about the dynamics of the Transgendered Community.

3.    I expect that they begin to understand,  what I have given up in my life, to give them ONE!

4.    I expect that they, don’t ignore me and have a conversation once and awhile !

5.    I expect that they at least try to begin to understand who I am, and the genetics, surrounding it.

6.    I expect that they show courage.

7.    I expect they don’t shun me……….

8.   I expect that they don’t, demand a pity party!

(Along the way,  I may edit this list on occasion, and add things}

I know that they are afraid of acknowledging me, because they are embarrassed and afraid of, what their, peers, co-workers, and others,  will say to them!  And I don’t expect them to allow me to rain on their Parade, either.  But at least, love and respect me, for having the courage to do what I am doing.

I WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TELLING THEM ABOUT ME BEING TRANSSEXUAL,  IS TOO STRESS FULL, FOR THEM!   THEY ARE IN THEIR 30’S, THIS SURE ISN’T THE FIRST TIME, THEY HEARD ABOUT THE GAY, LESBIAN AND TRANSGENDERED PEOPLE……….HOWEVER, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT CAME CLOSE TO HOME !   AND BY THE WAY, IF IT IS TOTALLY TRUE THAT TRANSSEXUALITY,  IS DUE TO GENETICS, THEN THEY HAD BETTER, COME TO TERMS WITH IT,  FOR THEIR OWN CONCERNS,  AS WELL AS THEIR CHILDREN’S !!

JAMIE LEE

Blaxk Rose

2012 in review – The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog. ! Jamie Lee


 

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.