WHY CAN’T WE BE FREE BY: JAMIE LEE


CURTSEY

 

 

MY PERSPECTIVE

 

So many of us have suffered the loss of family in becoming
the human beings we were meant to be.

There were so many times when I hesitated and questioned the cost of transition, not only the financial burden but the true cost we all pay in losing so much of our former lives,
because, others simply cannot accept that their reality isn’t necessarily our
reality.

And it is in our own reality, and not theirs, in which each of us must live in order to survive.  We have all struggled to exist in the Lie because we were all born with an identity that did not match our bodies. All of us have gone to extreme measures to help others love us by striving desperately to live their expectations for, and of, us. Some of us have even
managed to live out nearly our entire lives existing on the edge of sanity for the
sake of acceptance and what passes for love in our society.

I don’t have  that kind of strength and I discovered that I didn’t need “that kind” of
love, nor did I love anyone else so much that I was willing to sacrifice my sanity and eventually my life simply because they couldn’t accept me for who  I  am.

So I quit questioning the cost of transition because I decided that what I was really “buying” was my own life.

There’s a quote I like from a movie character that has often been satirized in the media (most often on radio shows). The movie was    “Shawshank Redemption”, the character was Red (played by Morgan Freeman) and  the quote is simply this “GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING” . I spent most of my life trying to sit on the fence between the two and what’s funny about that is that there isn’t any there!

There is life and there is death and nothing in between the two. and the choice was mine to make. There is no pain in death; it’s one of the reasons so many of us look to make it our choice. There is no love, no anger, no fear, no humiliation, no rejection, no hate, no depression, no loneliness, the list goes on for what there “isn’t” in death and it’s a very long list because it incorporates everything in life…everything.

We have all made that choice and sometimes we struggle but we’re here and that means our realities exist and are just as valid as those of the people who would deny us for the sake of their own comfort.
None of us need ever face this kind of battle again alone and isolated, nor need we ever doubt that finding our true selves and living as we choose to present ourselves is ever wrong, it isn’t. For those who find they cannot live with us as we are, then let them live without us and in time they will discover the loss and feel the; emptiness left where our love used to be.

It’s a void that cannot be filled by righteous indignation, self-serving feelings of betrayal,or immature embarrassment at the life-celebrating actions of another. It’s a
void that will last a lifetime and be felt by the generation who follows and inherits the actions of their parents.

And it is to them that we must show the most patience and love because it is through no fault of their own that they were born in an age of intolerance and self-serving egocentrism. Look to the future when your grandchildren have grown up hearing about this mystery person, maybe half remembered, which became someone else and was shunned for doing so.

I promise when they become young adults  (teenagers off to college etc.) that they will contact you because, if nothing else, the curiosity will drive them crazy. It’s then that they will come  to know You as you would like them to know you and not as those around them may have portrayed you.

You are a wonderful, courageous, and loving person so smile, knowing that we’re here and we care and make this your motto:

Noli nothis permittere te terere (Don’t let the bastards get you down).

JAMIE LEE – A Transsexual woman…………………….

NOBODY’S GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE – NO ONE !


DISCRIMINATION – BULLYING – SEXISM – INTOLERANCE – RACISM

THE CRYSTAL CONNECTION IS DEDICATED TO ENDING HATRED

This song is “DEDICATED”  to ME

BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BREAK MY STRIDE –  FROM THIS DAY ON !

I will fight to end suicide caused by hatred and intolerance

WATCH  WHAT I DO

I AM JAMIE LEE

Won’t you join me ?

FROM CHILDHOOD’S HOUR, I HAVE NOT BEEN AS OTHERS WERE, I HAVE NOT SEEN AS OTHERS SAW, I COULD NOT BRING MY PASSIONS FROM A COMMON SPRING – SEXUALITY HAS TO CONFORM TO ALL LAWS AND CUSTOMS, NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL IT IS OR HOW MUCH HYPROCASY IT MAY GIVE RISE

JAMIE LEE’S CRYSTAL CONNECTION NEWS DESK………….


lgbt logo 10

 

 

ACLU: PA district is discriminating

by Jen Colletta

The American Civil Liberties Union and its local chapter sent a letter to a Pennsylvania school district this week demanding that it stop blocking LGBT content in its Internet filter.

The letter argues that Governor Mifflin School District in Berks County is violating students’ First Amendment rights with its “sexuality” filter.

The block was reported to ACLU by Governor Mifflin Senior High School junior Maison Fioravante, who was attempting to research LGBT issues for a school project.

She found that she could not access sites that offered pro-LGBT information and resources, yet sites that condemned homosexuality were accessible.

“It’s not only important for support for LGBT students and those questioning their sexual identities to be able to access these sites, but also for students who simply want information for school projects,” Fioravante said in a statement. “It’s wrong for my school to determine that this kind of information is too sensitive for the student body.”

Among the sites Fioravante was prevented from visiting were the organizational sites of Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, Safe Schools Coalition, Freedom to Marry, the Equality Federation and Lambda Legal.

“Being able to access information on the Internet at the school library is not only critical for academic purposes, it can also be a lifeline for LGBT students in crisis who don’t feel safe seeking support on their home computers,” said Reggie Shuford, executive director of the ACLU of Pennsylvania. “Blocking these sites not only violates the First Amendment, but it does a disservice to students trying to learn about themselves and the world around them.”

Fioravante circulated a petition against the filter that has since generated more than 3,000 signatures.

The district also employs a filter against “intolerant” sites, which blocks political-advocacy pages that seemingly offer intolerant viewpoints. Among the blocked sites are those of the National Organization for Marriage and the Family Research Council, staunch opponents of the LGBT community.

“Regardless of whether you support or oppose legal protections for LGBT people, these sorts of viewpoint-based filters puts everyone’s First Amendment rights at risk,” said Joshua Block, staff attorney with the ACLU LGBT Project. “If you give school officials the power to censor viewpoints they don’t like, they may use that power to block your own viewpoint too.”

The ACLU has asked the district to respond by March 14 with information on how it will address the issue.

 

 

PA lawmakers introduce hate-crimes bills

by Angela Thomas

 

Two Pennsylvania legislators hope to get an LGBT-inclusive hate-crimes law passed in both the state Senate and House this year.

Sen. Jim Ferlo (D-38th Dist.) introduced Senate Bill 42 in early January, while State Rep. Brendan Boyle (D-170th Dist.) will take the lead from former Rep. Josh Shapiro on House Bill 177, also introduced in January.

The bill would add sexual orientation and gender identity to the list of protected classes in the state’s hate-crimes law. LGBT people were previously protected by the law, but a 2007 court decision lifted that provision.

Boyle’s measure has 32 cosponsors, compared to 40 last session.

Boyle cosponsored Shapiro’s bill in 2011, and was eager to take up the leadership role when Shapiro left the state legislature.

“I was afraid that this could be something that could drop, so I wanted to pick up this fight to make sure we get this bill added to protect Pennsylvanians,” he said.

Boyle said the legislation is needed but that there could be a struggle to convince individuals on both sides of the aisle.

“It is just common sense. Unfortunately, it takes a fight on behalf of those of us who feel passionately that we need to protect all Pennsylvanians,” he said. “This should be something that conservative representatives should get behind.”

Boyle said the bill is vital to protect LGBTs.

“When someone commits such a heinous act, they are not just committing a crime against a victim, but they are victimizing the entire community. Folks who are a part of the LGBT community deserve protection.”

Ferlo, who led the measure for the past several sessions, said it remains a relevant piece of legislation.

“I think we have to continue to be strenuous advocates for this piece of legislation because it is very critically needed,” he said.

Ferlo said he thinks the bill has a chance to pass in the Senate.

“I think if there is any hope, it will be in the state Senate because of the greater number of Democratic leaders. We also hope to reach out to Republican colleagues,” he said. “We need to continue to work among colleagues and have confidence for Republicans to be sympathetic to the bill, at least in the Senate.”

Ferlo’s measure was introduced with 13 cosponsors, compared to last session’s 11.

Ferlo encouraged individuals to press their lawmakers to sign on.

“The problem is we do not have a lot of information out there,” Ferlo said. “We need to unite and work for this. Folks who want to communicate with their representatives should do so with phone calls, letters, setting up meetings, etc.”

Cosponsors for Ferlo’s bill include Sens. LeAnna Washington (D-Fourth Dist.), James Brewster (D-45th Dist.), Rob Teplitz (D-15th Dist.), Lawrence Farnese (D-First Dist.), Anthony Williams (D-Eighth Dist.), Shirley Kitchen (D-Third Dist.), Christine Tartaglione (D-Second Dist.), Judith Schwank (D-11th Dist.), Jay Costa (D-43rd Dist.), Daylin Leach (D-17th Dist.), Wayne Fontana (D-42nd Dist.), Vincent Hughes (D-Seventh Dist.) and Patrick Browne (R-16th Dist.).

Cosponsors for Boyle’s bill include Reps. Kevin Boyle (D-172 Dist.), Adam Ravenstahl (D-20th Dist.), Don Costa (D-21st Dist.), Mike Fleck (R-81st Dist.), Tina M. Davis (D-141st Dist.), Michelle Brownlee (D-195th Dist.), Vanessa Brown (D-190th Dist.), William Kortz (D-38th Dist.), Michael O’Brien (D-175th Dist.), Michael Schlossberg (D-132nd Dist.), Louise Bishop (D-192nd Dist.), Scott Conklin (D-77th Dist.), Michael Sturla (D-96th Dist.), Dan Frankel (D-23rd Dist.), Steven Santarsiero (D-31st Dist.), Cherelle Parker (D-200th Dist.), Maria Donatucci (D-185th Dist.), Mark Cohen (D-202nd Dist.), Mike Carroll (D-118th Dist.), Curtis Thomas (D-181st Dist.), Mark Rozzi (D-126th Dist.), Stephen Kinsey (D-201st Dist.), Rosita Youngblood (D-198th Dist.), Mark Painter (D-146th Dist.), Robert Freeman (D-136th Dist.), Stephen McCarter (D-154th Dist.), Matthew Bradford (D-70th Dist.), Rep. Erin Molchany (D-22nd Dist.), Daniel McNeill (D-133rd Dist.), Brian Sims (D-182nd Dist.), John Taylor (R-177th Dist.) and Thomas Murt (R-152nd Dist.).

 

A STORY ABOUT MY PRESENT LIFE & MY EXPECTATIONS ! MY CHILDREN !!! POST #1


 This post was inspired by my own thoughts and feelings!

Which, inspired me, to realize,  that it is time, to talk about my children!

MY WIFE, MY FAMILY & LOVED ONES

This is going to be one of the most intense posts I have written so far!

It will be a time line of sort!

Of people, places and things!

Because it is time to talk about things!

I have been holding off doing, because of my own fears!

Society is not first, and foremost in my life anymore!

My family, loved ones, friends are!

BUT! I must feel, that I can write freely, without censorship!  and anyone misinterpreting my words!

If you do, please show me the, respect and courtesy, to ask me what I meant!

 HOW DARE YOU ALLOW ME TO DIE !  WITHOUT ALLOWING ME TO LIVE

A quote from:  Jamie Lee

cropped patio

ME-MY LONELINESS

From Childhood’s hour I have not been as others were – I have not seen as others saw – I could not bring my passions from a common spring!   EDGAR ALLEN POE

    LONELY, AFRAID, ANGRY, CONFUSED, SECLUDED, INCARCERATED, DEPRESSED, TORTURED, TRAUMATIZED, FRUSTRATED,       MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXAUSTED, AND INCOMPLETE!

These are all real words to me!  When was the last time that you felt them all at the same time?

SEXUALITY & GENDER:  OUR SEXUALITY HAS TO BE WITHOUT FAULT!  IT MUST FUNCTION IN STRICT CONFORMITY WITH ALL CUSTOMS & LAWS!  NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH HYPOCRICY THEY MAY GIVE RISE!

To be honest I am sick and tired, I am exhausted, I am fed up, I am pissed off,  by constantly being pissed on.  I am tired of the “Me Generation”  I am tired of constantly trying to prove myself to everyone, but not to myself.   Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door!  I am tired of hatred, discrimination, racism, hatred of cultures and religion, intolerance and deception!  I am weary of surviving.  It seems we are constantly being controlled by the Educated Derelicts of our World

.My philosophy is:

 ” It’s better to be, tried by 12, than carried by 6″ 

I am dealing with constant P.T.S.D, from my 30 years of Law-enforcement and going through what I did, dealing with the Dredges Of Society!  Standing on the Edge of the Abyss, to PROTECT YOU!   After being spun, folded and mutated, by the very Society that shuns ME!  I PLACED MY LIFE,  IN DANGER, EVERY DAY, FOR THE SAME ASS HOLES, WHO WON’T ACCEPT ME AS, WHO I AM, AND WHO I WAS BORN TO BE  !!!!!!!!

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

YOU ARE PATHETIC

AND NOW ABOUT MY CHILDREN

I raised my children with the following expectations and  Philosophy’s :  Stand up for yourselves, and never be taken advantage of.  Be the best you can be and anything!  Failing is OK, get up and go again.  Have a understanding of Morals, especially, your own!  Do not be a Racist, sexist or hypocrite!  Always have an open mind.  Respect people, places and things, as you want to be respected.  Live your life with integrity.  Make your own, children proud to follow in your footsteps.    DO NOT Discriminate!  Never show intolerance.  Always care about the feelings of others.  Respect cultures, religion and humanistic values!  If you don’t understand, educate your self before you make any decision!   For the purpose of this post I am writing about my expectations.  I was gifted and fortunate in life, to have a wife that believed in the same values and expectations.

Most importantly, we taught them about treating people compassionately, with their diversities, whether, it be handicaps, physical abnormalities, or skills, abilities and education !   Respect other peoples opinions and views……..!

And to be honest!  I am pretty damn proud of them!  Where they have gone, with their Careers, relationships, and goals!   I couldn’t ask for anything more, at least at the time, I felt that way.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE INTENSITY, PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALONG WITH ACCEPTANCE, UNDERSTANDING AND TREATEMENT OF US AS TRANSSEXUALS, IS GENERATIONAL.  WE AS OLDER TRANSEXXUALS, HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH,  MORE STRUGGLES TO TRANSITION, THEN THE YOUNGER, TRANSGENDERED COMMUNITY…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….!

They can transition into their lives!  We have lived our lives, under constant fear, that we would lose the most precious things to us, our parents, our brothers & sisters, our Wives, our relationships, our significant others, our loved ones, our friends, and our children.  You see, we must transition into a life that we have already built, through our own trials and tribulations, fears and expectations.  And our own self-Acceptance.   It is not easy, in fact it is a nightmare, which no typical human being could fathom, or understand.

Now, back to the topic of my children!   Since the moment and time that I told my children that I was a transsexual, does anyone think that I was stupid enough not to understand the dynamics, that came along with that!  First was their reaction, and acceptance of me.  When I told each one of my two children the were in their late 20’s, my son and my daughter.  They both embraced me at that moment, and said it was OK.  It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

BUT, did they think for a moment, that I wasn’t aware, and conscious, concerning their ability’s and capabilities to understand?  Of course I was, I had to live through all the dilemma of exposing myself to them.  I knew, if I did, when they were children, that I could have changed their lives in so many ways.  Tragic in many ways.   Do they think I didn’t understand, especially back then, how they would have been ridiculed, laughed at, embarrassed, and humiliated by their friends and peers, knowing that their father was a Transsexual?   I did! Ever so intensely and painfully.  I did what any parent would do!  Protect them!  Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right, but it was a choice.   Plus, how could I expect them, or anyone else to understand,  this shit back then, when I didn’t understand myself.   My God what a dilemma!  I felt like a mentally ill,  freak of nature.   Since childhood!

NOW MY CHILDREN ARE IN THEIR 30’s, MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. DECENT HUSBANDS AND WIFES, JOBS THAT HAVE PROFESSIONALISM AND INTEGRITY.   THEY ARE LEARNING ABOUT THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF LIFE, AND THE COLERATAL DAMAGE, OF  SICK AND UNMORALISTIC SOCIETY, WHICH IS ALL WE HERE ABOUT , DISCRIMINATION, INTOLERANCE,  AND DEATH OF INNOCENT CHILDREN ND ADULTS.   THE FILTH AND THE DEGRIDATION,  OF THE DREDGES OF SOCIETY, WHICH IS ON TV, AND PROMOTED FOR THE ENJOYMENT, OF SOME SORT OF PATHETIC AUDIENCE!   RE: THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, THE USE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN , AND ALL THE REST,  TO GAIN RATINGS, FOR MONETARY GAIN! AND ARE CAPABLE OF UTILIZING INNOCENT CHILDREN!

We all are reaching our toleration, of greedy and filthy Politicians, who only have their own hidden Agendas.  We are in a war, with people and Cultures we don’t understand.  We tend to feel that WE as Americans, are the only, life forms that deserve to exist.  Economy sucks, gas prices suck, The bullshit that is fed to us by our own Government sucks. Gun control sucks, because there IS an easy answer, DO BACKGROUND CHECKS!  When a Convicted Felon, Is found in possession, incarcerate him for 50 years.  Or better yet, pry the gun from “HIS Cold Dead Hands”  Don’t penalize the respectful, law abiding Citizens!   Give more power to deal with Metal health, Disorders who are capable of hurting their selves, or especially others!!

Criminals have rights! VICTIMS HAVE NONE!  Holy shit!  Something is wrong with us!

GO, figure that all the Pharmaceutical Company’s have jumped aboard the band wagon to make money at the demise of people.  There is a pill now available that cures any ailment, and at the same time can destroy, your liver, kidney’s, make you nauseous, dizzy, suicidal, and potentially a basket comatose case!

I love the one about Cialis, and Viagra!   Guys, this IS you love potion of today.  You no longer have to use you brain to get turned on,  by a beautiful woman!  You can just pop this magical, pill.  That will put a mile on her face!  Jesus Christ, you even have the propensity to have a, 4 hour erection! 

I would have been happy in my life, to have one last for more that 15 minutes. Damn,  4 hours, I would have been floating down a river, with a smile on my face, yelling “OPEN THE DRAW BRIDGE”!                    This may be funny, but it is grossly pathetic……………..!

SO BACK TO MY CHILDREN!  I THINK I HAVE GOTTEN THE POINT, ACROSS,  OF WHAT,  I WAS SAYING ABOVE !  AT LEAST I HOPE!

What should I expect of my Children, in my life right now?   And,  should I expect anything?

WHAT SHOULD I EXPECT,  FROM MY CHILDREN ?      I AT LEAST EXPECT THE FOLLOWING:  

1.    Respect

2.   I expect that they, at least research on occasion,  and learn about the dynamics of the Transgendered Community.

3.    I expect that they begin to understand,  what I have given up in my life, to give them ONE!

4.    I expect that they, don’t ignore me and have a conversation once and awhile !

5.    I expect that they at least try to begin to understand who I am, and the genetics, surrounding it.

6.    I expect that they show courage.

7.    I expect they don’t shun me……….

8.   I expect that they don’t, demand a pity party!

(Along the way,  I may edit this list on occasion, and add things}

I know that they are afraid of acknowledging me, because they are embarrassed and afraid of, what their, peers, co-workers, and others,  will say to them!  And I don’t expect them to allow me to rain on their Parade, either.  But at least, love and respect me, for having the courage to do what I am doing.

I WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TELLING THEM ABOUT ME BEING TRANSSEXUAL,  IS TOO STRESS FULL, FOR THEM!   THEY ARE IN THEIR 30’S, THIS SURE ISN’T THE FIRST TIME, THEY HEARD ABOUT THE GAY, LESBIAN AND TRANSGENDERED PEOPLE……….HOWEVER, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT CAME CLOSE TO HOME !   AND BY THE WAY, IF IT IS TOTALLY TRUE THAT TRANSSEXUALITY,  IS DUE TO GENETICS, THEN THEY HAD BETTER, COME TO TERMS WITH IT,  FOR THEIR OWN CONCERNS,  AS WELL AS THEIR CHILDREN’S !!

JAMIE LEE

Blaxk Rose

Given a choice, I will always choose the red pill…Jesse – Female to Male


http://claudiason.wordpress.com/

 

 

I’m Never Gonna Wear A Dress Again

 

2012 in review – The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog. ! Jamie Lee


 

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

YEARS OF TEARS – BY – JAMIE LEE……….


 

INTRODUCTION:  On or about August 8, 2008, my Therapist, Doctor Carol Hershey, inspired me to write a story to myself as a child.  This was one of the most sensitive and intense projects,  I have ever imagined.  I sat down, closed my eyes, and felt like I was hypnotized, and traveled back in time.  My fingers began typing; I had no forethought, about what to write.  The words just flowed.  I was awed, after I completed it.  It was my true feelings, and I even called myself names.  As you will see, someone was watching me as a child, and you will be surprised who it turned out to be,  just like I was at the end!

This was one of the most personal and surreal stories I had ever written. 

I am honored to share it here, so that,  I may save a child,  from going through the pain,  I have suffered!

We all deserve to be who we were born to be! 

Thank you!  Jamie Lee……………………

YEARS OF TEARS

Where did you come from?  Why were you born?  Why are you so fragile.  You sad, sad innocent child!

I witnessed a child in such misery and pain!  I shall never be willing, to witness again! 

You poor, poor burdened child! 

You were born of this earth so naked and true!  But, how would you know!  that, no one, knew you?

The agony to come, which you had to survive, was more than, I could go through!  To stay alive!

Fragile and frail you cried and cried,

You poor sweet innocent child!

How did you know what lie ahead!  You were loved, held and nurtured, with affection,  so great!  That, even you!  didn’t know your ultimate fate!

Only God knew!  What, was inside you,!   Like the heart ache ahead!  You would eventually dread!  You poor, poor sad, unknowing child!

You struggled in school, and no one knew why!   The rest of your life you lived a huge lie.                       

You poor, poor, sweet, sad, innocent child!

It was my fate,  to watch you grow!  With the heart ache inside, that no one, could know!   But, I shall accept the chore, with so much pride,  and try,  to tell people,  how you! felt inside!

You poor, innocent, tormented child!

I pray, I can do this, and not miss a point.   To tell your story, intensely so sad, to give you some peace, that you never had!

I watched you as a child, as you struggled with school.   Your parents loved you; however, you felt that you were always their failure.  You never liked school, and because of that, you felt like you were their moron.  You failed three times and repeated grades each one of those times.  If you had a blue mark instead of a red one, you paraded around as if it was a National event, which deserved a major holiday.  Your brother was academically skilled and always received an “A”, He was bragged about, by you mother & father in the most wonderful and proudest manner.

You stupid,  failure of a child!

I watched as you, held no rights or privileges on your own. And everything needed approval.  You were to be “Seen and not Heard!”  You weren’t even allowed the dignity to know who you were.  Your thoughts and emotions were not real, valid or important, sensible, or even realistic, until you somehow reached the magical age of 21. You had restrictions, curfews and requirements that, if you bent, in any slightest manner, would result, in the most severe discipline in every form that you could imagine.

You clueless, imaginary child your role models were insufficient.  Role models were forced upon you.  “Don’t you want to be a man?”

If you didn’t follow the expected role models, you treated like a failure.

Your parents made you go to bed early every night, because of school, the next day.   You were told to go to your room at 8:00 pm or earlier every night!  I watched as you climbed into your bed, after reciting the “Lord’s Prayer”, always begging for help.  I heard you crying & crying & crying half the night, before you cried yourself to sleep, praying that no one would hear your pain.

You poor, lonely child!

I watched as you quickly tried to understand, the physical differences between boys and girls!    I watched as you learned the differences, and then came the change in you!  You realized that a mistake was made. You were somehow born wrong, and you wanted it to be fixed.  You prayed and prayed every night, that God would take you back, and return you in the proper way.  I watched you progressively felt abandoned and grew more angry and hateful, that such a mistake was made!  You were so lonely, sad and pained, with no one to confide in, with your problem.  Even if you tried, you were afraid that you would have been placed into a cage, and abandoned!  I saw as a friend told you their secret, and ask you if you could keep it?  You listened to their problems and never told a soul, because you were one of the best, at keeping secrets.  After all you had one your self, that, you couldn’t even tell them!

 You poor, secretive child!

It was very apparent to me that, you hated your body and life.    You hated each and every day, of your existence, because, after all, you were born broken, and couldn’t be fixed”.  But, in some mysterious manner,  you became a survivor.   Concealing, all your thoughts, emotions and desires!   Strange as it may seem,  this!,  made me so proud of you!

You poor, sad, amazing child!

Parades! You loved parades, didn’t’ you little one? You thought that I wasn’t watching you, but I was!

You would sit on the curb of the street, many times, over the years, with your mother and father, watching and waiting for the parade to appear.  You would say many times, “Can you see it?  Is it here yet?  And then it approached!  You were so excited!  Your parents thought, that it was because of all the fire trucks, and the normal things!

You never told them.  Did you?   But I knew why!

You were waiting for the bands!  You were waiting to see the pretty, pretty, “Baton Twirlers”.  You stared, at their stunning, sparkly outfits, as the marched beautifully and proudly by.  You wished that you were them.  Just for a moment.

You wanted to wear, those beautiful outfits, and be, as beautiful as them!  as they marched by.  Then you became sad, when she disappeared into the horizon.  But you stared, at the girls coming, in the rest of the parade.  You held you breath when the “Home Coming Queens  & Princesses “passed by, riding on top of the cars, waiving and smiling at you. You closed your eyes, and dreamed, that you could be, as beautiful and them. 

Didn’t you!  You ugly, horrible thing!   

When you eventually, went home, I watched you sneak into the back yard, pick up sticks, and pretend that you were her!   Marching around the yard, trying to twirl that wooden thing!  How sick!  And wrong! But you did it anyhow.

Didn’t you?!  You poor, demented child!

Awe, but,   your relatives, visited your house, on many occasions, with their children, and you had someone to play with.   While, your parents were in the kitchen talking, you would get your toy soldiers and other toys and sit in the corner.  You had many cousins who were girls.   I watched you playing as the girls played across the room.  You would watch them intently, giggling, jumping, playing and having fun..   You would get up, go over to them and sit.  You would sit with them!

You loved playing with them, until you heard a distant voice from your father.  What are you doing?  Nothing Dad!  I just wanted to ask the girls a question.. Then you quickly got up, ran back to your spot , as you hard him yell, “Just leave them alone“ .  Don’t be a sissy!”

And, you listened! Didn’t you?

But around that time, you finally found, a true friend to talk to!  What was his name? “Sandy” This was the collie, that your parents got, for you and your brother!   You would lay many times, on the floor, with your new found friend!  Sometimes, resting your head on his chest, as you talked and talked.  He was a beautiful collie.  On occasion, his ears would perk up, as he listed to your stories and secrets.   It seemed, that some time, for some unknown reason, he would actually, feel your pain.   Once and awhile you would tie a bandanna, around his neck. And you got yelled at; because only girls did that!  You were always frightened; that you dog would tell someone, about you, and you constantly begged him; not too.  But he did keep your secrets!  Even when, he got old and had to be put asleep!  He held your secrets!    You even thought for a moment, that you could go to sleep with him, so you could be by his side.  How sad it was,  when ,  you lose  your only true friend ,  and  now, again , had  no one to talk to!  Sadness was your other friend.

Such pity, I had, watching you grow, little one!

I watched many times, as you told your parents that you were going outside to play; with your friends!  But instead, you disappeared into your parent’s garage, at the end of the property.  You didn’t reappear for a long periods of time.  What were you doing in there?  What was your secret?   Then, finally, I would see you exit, up the sidewalk, towards your house, with a smile on your face.  Were you happy for a moment, little child?

You deceitful, evil, person you!

You did however, have rare sweet times as you watched, your mother, put on her make up.  She was so beautiful!

You liked to watch this, and sometimes, she would spray you with a little perfume.  You would yell at her,  and run away , saying “What do you think, I’m a girl?”  But all the time, you really, loved it , because,  you smelled so pretty and nice.

Didn’t you?  You sweet, tender child?

CHRISTMAS!  Now it is Christmas!  “Visions of Sugar Plums Dancing in your Head” The happiest time of year!  Presents, Christmas trees, good food, excitement, toys, toys, toys and Christmas stockings!  WOW!

Christmas music also…   Every thing and everyone was so different.  They were happy, nice, friendly and wonderful.  The time of year that everything was beautiful. 

You asked your parents many times, if you behaved enough that year, so you wouldn’t get that dreadful “Coal” in your stocking.

Everything was wonderful, happy and exciting for you!  Wasn’t it?

VISIONS OF SUGAR PLUMS?  Were these your visions? You sweet child!   Tell us!  You don’t want to, do you?  So then I will!!  Remember, I was watching you!

You were very happy, this time of year.   You did try and subdue all that suffering that you endured through out the year.  And you succeeded!   So you thought!

I watched you go to bed early on Christmas Eve, and not be able to sleep, so excited, you were!

Then it came!  Christmas morning!  You would sneak down the stairs and peek at the Christmas tree, and see if there were presents for you?  THERE WERE!  So then you went back up stairs and woke your brother up.  You made a lot of noise to, hopefully wake up your parents.    They finally heard you, and you begged them to go down stairs.  Santa Claus came!  Came at last!

You and your brother sat on the floor by the tree and your parents sat on the couch across the room on the couch.

You began opening your presents.  Toys, toys and more Toys!   Then it happened!  The dreaded cloths! One present had a shirt which you threw to the side.  Oh no! Socks, pants and other cloths, which you threw to the side, on top of your little trash pile.  You looked at your parents with tears swelling in your eyes, and said:  “I don’t want these!”

Then the time arrived for your mother and father to open theirs, as you watched intently.  You really didn’t care about your father’s, did you?  What you were waiting for was your Mother’s!

WOW! She got a beautiful blouse and skirt.  She got a necklace and all kinds of frilly things.  She held it up to show everyone. 

Then it happened!  Then it hit you!  Your eyes got glassy.  You tried to subdue those tears again!  GOOD JOB!

Then, as I watched you, and I realized, you really wanted all of those beautiful things that you mother got.  For yourself!  You selfish person!  How dare you!

You could not behave even at this time of the year.  YOU didn’t deserve any presents!!!!

You!  Selfish, secretive,  Beast of a child!   I AM ASHAMED OF YOU!   I ACTUALLY SOMETIMES THINK I HATE YOU!

But, I forgive you!

I watched, as you, night after night, cry and cry yourself to sleep!   Who cares!  We felt sick, in the pit of our stomachs! , Didn’t we?  We, made it through each and every day,   and lonely, lonely,  unending night!   We truly became friends, you and I!  We danced together, talked, laughed, and shared our secrets and dreams together!   Didn’t we?  I was happy to be your new friend!  We both, survived.

Was, I your Guardian Angel?  NO!   You didn’t deserve any!   Then all of a sudden, you figured, all this out,  didn’t you?

You brilliant, intelligent thing! 

YOU REALIZED!  Who I really was!    That, I was, in fact really,  YOU!   THAT, I was your, own heart, dreams and desires!   THAT,   I was your heart beat, and every breath that you took!   THAT,   I was, your only true friend!  Forever!

THAT!  I was finally, released, and blooming.  That I am, turning into the beautiful soul that I was upon birth.

Do I still cry?  YES! Do I have periods of depression?  YES!  Do I still hurt every day inside?  YES!

 Do I blame my parent’s? NO!   They were just products and victims of their generation, just like me.

How many people mistreated you?  Regardless, of what, has taken place in the past, we can turn things into something positive.  Do not settle for defeat, and surround yourself with good people and make plans to succeed.  We will always be confronted with obstacles.   We were rejected and wronged, and we may be out-numbered 100 to 1, but be courageous.   We will always be confronted with opposition, but sometimes those challenges propel us towards success.  There are infinite numbers of possibilities and potentials just waiting for us to develop.  We can’t allow dead ends to stop us.   We have what it takes to achieve our dreams and desires.  Don’t settle for second, you deserve the best.  Commit yourself to excellence and don’t settle for less.  Walk in honor & truthfulness, be forthright and refuse to think of anything that is negative or dishonest.  Listen to that voice inside that says “We are special”   “We  are loved”,   “Someone needs us” “We can begin again and make things happen and be at peace with ourselves”   Be enthusiastic and make things wonderful in our lives!

WE ARE, WHO WE CAME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW, I have demands!  No one, but, no one will make me change!  I am who I am, and will try to replace all those horrors of the past,  into a new found energy and passion , and become the most beautiful transsexual woman, who is at peace with herself!   Who in transitioning  will work towards beauty, freedom, equality, peace and understanding, as one of the most divine beings placed on the face of the earth.

As the song goes “Don’t mess with my stride!  I GOT TO KEEP ON MOVING!”

Will it help ease my anger, sorrow, and extreme pain?  Maybe!   Will it help?  YES!  Did it hurt?  YES

One thing I am positive of is that!

I am, Jamie Lee.  A transsexual woman, and, will slowly transition, and demand, recognition, for all those  YEARS of TEARS!

 

Jamie Lee

 8/1/08