Struggles

Stuck in the middle! What is the middle? Where is the middle? Is there truly a middle?
Is it the middle of being masculine or feminine? Until someone can come up with the true unblemished definition of both, then will we understand what is happening with us?
I call it incarceration. Every day of my life has been like an abscessed tooth! The nagging, pounding pain inside me trying to exist, to be free, un-relentless and never ending. Just surviving one more day!


The most tragic part of this nightmare is that only we understand each other.
First of all, it was brutal enough to deal with this before I began hormones. Because the reality is that there is. a mental, physical and emotional level with all of us. It is compounded the second we make the decision to go on hormones. For me going on the hormones was euphoric in many ways. However, it has changed me mentally, emotionally and physically.
Sometimes I can relate it to being stuck in a desert crawling towards that oasis or mirage, inch by inch. Waiting for that refreshing drink, so, we can continue on our journey.
Courage is an interesting word to me. I have come to a realization that some of the most courageous people are US!
We need each other to survive! But some times we get stuck on stupid with our own self pity and empathetic reasons.
We as CD’s, TV’s, TG’s, TS want to wear the uniform but we don’t want to perform the duties that goes along with it. We expect everyone to feel sorry for us. We want them to accept us when we don’t accept ourselves. This is a long, painful, lonely journey for us but we are traveling in the wrong manner!
We live in a me! society. We expect every thing to be handed to us. We demand that people accept us because we are the only important thing that matters. We wallow in our own sorrow and pain and expect everyone to comfort us. We are truly greedy, self centered, egotistical, and demand that our needs be satisfied by everyone else first.
You know a tree by the fruit that it bears. And we offer nothing, but demand sympathy!
Some how we lost site of reality!
So you want to be a woman do you? Well, it is more than wearing the cloths, the perfume, the jewelry, the nails and the make-up. It is striving to under stand femininity, womanhood, their pain, their suffering, their discrimination and their life. You need to understand something before you can become it. Read a Book and/or learn about women’s issues, their suffrage, and their history.
I have felt at times that I truly was, stuck in the middle! But, in the middle, of what? I chose to call it an impasse!
I have an interesting question! I am endeavoring to have the SRS operation, God willing, this year. I have had the opportunity, to meet approximately two post op transsexual woman, in my transition.
I posed a question to them!
Here was the question. The moment, the second that you open your eyes, after the operation and realize that you have reached Stealth, and become the closest that you ever can become, in your life, to being a total woman. What goes through your mind? What does it feel like and most importantly, was it worth it?
Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
We need to educate. We need to fight. We need to survive. And we need not to be stuck in the middle of anything……………………………..
Jamie Lee

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