I wrote the story submitted below on January 1, 2011. Now I am approaching January 1, 2012. I have finally been released from my incarceration and my cocoon. The photo is ME. All I have to do now is let my wings, dry, stand up, and fly! I am Jamie Lee the Butterfly Girl.
I began this Blog approximately 4 ½ weeks ago. Today, I have Nine hundred and Thirty (930) visitors to my Crystal Connection, and soon it will be one thousand (1000). I have had over 20 Countries visit it.
To each and every one of you that have come here, and to the new visitors, I say Thank You, from the bottom of my heart for taking time, in your life to come here. And also to say, Thank You to any new visitors.
Previously my life has been about sadness, UN-acceptance, pain and suffering I have endured. Those days are over. I now will post about my new found life and transition as a Genetic Transsexual Woman. I have finally learned to accept my self! Call it “Two Spirits” or what ever you wish. I call it the birth of Jamie Lee. And it is well over due!
“My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, and not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it… but love it.”
Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don’t hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people.
Celebrate your success and find humor in your failures. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Loosen up and everyone around you will loosen up. Have fun and always show enthusiasm. When all else fails, put on a costume and sing a silly song.
I owe this inspiration and my life, for Infinity. I will go on forever ………………………!
A NEW YEAR
January 1, 2011
BECAUSE SHE IS ME!
AND I AM HER!
SHE IS SOMETHING I HAVE FELT
WITHIN MY HEART AND SOUL
FOREVER! – JAMIE LEE
I am about to face another year of hopes, dreams and aspirations. I will face another year of the trials and tribulations endeavoring, to survive the brutal reality of my own existence and fate, once again. Trying to be free of the constant torment in which I live. The constant fears of life and death! The thoughts that I am some kind of unusual or irregular thing or occurrence, which is considered, to be some type of curiosity and monstrosity! There are some religious theories that death is genderless! If this theory is remotely true, then it strikes the most intense feelings in me of being forlorn and lost in eternity forever. Struggling since birth, for freedom, independence, acceptance & understanding,
And especially the compassion towards, freeing the incarcerated woman within me! I have had many dreams that upon my death, I will be walking through a field of flowers, in a white gown, proudly standing and knowing that I am finally set free, and am the essence of me in my femininity and will be waiting for the people that I love!, knowing that my incarceration is over And the fear! The fear that all this is just a false dream, and there is truly nothing, realizing that life is just an illusion.
Another year of peering at my own worst enemy, the mirror! The object that reminds me how handicapped and ugly I am! But it tantalizes me with the rare occasions of being able to see the divineness and beauty growing within me, only for a second. At those rare and special occasions, I do look and feel beautiful!
Welcome to my world, I am like a Butterfly, though I haven’t been so. There was a time when I had no wings to fly and gravity held me down with fierceness. Life was a constant struggle just to survive! I thought I had found my path, and then a storm would come and set me in someplace completely different, always feeling I was thrown around like a twig. Finally I grew weak and felt the need to wrap myself in a protective cocoon and escape the onslaught of struggle after struggle. Many times I thought I had given up.
I don’t know how long I slept in the darkness of that cocoon, my incarceration, but it seemed a lifetime. One day I woke and knew that I must break out, the walls no longer served to protect me; they simply kept me from stretching out into the fullness of my being. The walls I had surrounded myself with had become more uncomfortable that all the storms I had endured on the outside of my walls. And I found myself struggling harder than ever before, only now to escape those walls I had hid behind with sweet relief. I was stuck in a prison of my own making! I squirmed and struggled, pushed and prodded until one day, one glorious day, I could see daylight through a tiny crack in my wall. This renewed my desire to escape and I worked until I was able to finally pull myself up and out of my cocoon. I was free! The more I stretched in the sunlight, the more I noticed that something was different. I had changed. The more I stretched in the sunlight the more I noticed that I was free! I basked in the glory of it all.
This is the year, to document and rethink things. My joy will not be tied up in circumstances, however, I am going to try to focus on the things that feel right in my heart and not the things that I strove for and failed. It will be a tremendous test of my will & strength. The tougher times are inspiring me to try and make this the best year of my life!
It inspires me to look at and document for the first time, my success, and what I have received and accomplished. And to also to pay honor to all those people which have preserved and stuck by me, constantly encouraging me. And finally the time to recognize the ones that I have hurt!
Too many times my hopes and dreams were turned into a chaotic mess by me! How could I expect others to believe in me when I don’t believe in myself? It is a time to understand the awareness that I have been divinely given, that others, will never experience. To have an understanding of gender and the human condition! Along with the roles and hidden unquestioned, within it!
I must recognize the blessings that I received. I must kneel and be thankful for receiving the very essence of femininity! The ability to finally cry and show emotions, along with the ability to understand & feel the wondrous cycles of my body and soul, along with its changes. Especially, the ability to look at the world in a different manner! The ability to see that I might be a true gift and not damnation!
It is especially the year to be humble and show, my extreme gratitude to my true friends, relatives, family, Doctors, Therapist and people, who have exhausted their energy and hearts, accepting me!, and helping me.
To honor their courage, for having an open mind! Along, with their perseverance to learn, understand & tolerate the true nature of human diversity in its most extreme sense. I want to thank them for having the wisdom, love, compassion & fortitude, in helping me, bloom, succeed, survive & exist, never turning their backs on me once! They truly are my hero’s!!
And the beginning!