MY BROTHER


MY BROTHER ———– I LOVE YOU & MISS YOU- JAMIE

MY BROTHER

 JEFF

  BORN: AUGUST 1946

                                                                                              DIED: DECEMBER 2005

 

I was born in a family with only one brother and no sisters.  My brother was older than me, I was the youngest.  Our relationship was typical to any other brother or sister dynamics.   We always fought.  He always picked on me, and had me blamed for everything he did.  It was a wonderful normal childhood life. At least it was for him.  There were a lot of good things.  Since he was older he always looked out for me if anyone gave me trouble, he would beat them up.  It was like having a body guard almost all the time.  

He was academically gifted. And always received praise and was bragged about by my parents to everyone.  However I on the other hand was the “Black Sheep” of the family.  I was always in trouble, and always being punished.  We loved our mother and father.  Our family wasn’t overly religious, but they required that we be baptized & confirmed.  We never attended Church on a regular basis. 

We were taught to do certain chores like washing dishes and ironing. It was a rather strict environment.  They made us sit at the dinner table until we ate everything on our plates.  And I mean everything.  I had many lonely nights sitting there by myself trying how to figure out how to get rid of cold vegetables and other food I hated.  That was where our family dog, a beautiful Collie, came into action.  When no one was looking she would eat everything for me so that I could leave the table, finally.

When I write about my brother, you the reader must understand that it was a typical family life, however not for me because I was hiding who I was and what I thought at that time, which was a Mental Disorder, which could not be exposed to anyone.

He excelled during his teen years in school and in life.  My parents seemed proud of him.  I however, always embarrassed them.  During my school days I failed three years, and had to repeat years.   One teacher even said to me that when I finally graduated from 9th grade, I would be so excited and cut myself shaving.  I HATED everything about school.

My brother finally grew up and enlisted in to the United States Air Force, for 4 years, and got married while serving in the Military.  My parents always bragged about how proud they were of him to other people about him.  He and his wife had two wonderful and beautiful children.

He and his wife originally lived with my parents for a period of time, until they got their feet on the ground,

They then bought a half double, a few blocks away.  Where, they lived for many years.

I would visit, on occasion, and had a wonderful time.  I don’t remember if I was married yet of not. One thing that always disturbed me was his incessant need to be catered too and waited on.  But in my minds eye it was a normal, happy marriage.

Then fateful day, I got a phone call from him crying and asking to come see him.  It’s one of those things, which you don’t know, what is wrong, but you do know it is serious!

So I went there, and he was sitting in the dark.  I sat next to him and asked him what was wrong.  He said just look around!

Oh My God!  His house was half empty.  I asked him what happened.  He said that, when he came home from work, his wife, children, and house hold goods were gone!  Their whereabouts were unknown!   I never in my life saw a human being so demoralized, so depressed, so sad, and at rock bottom.   

All I felt at the moment was extreme, hatred and anger!!!   Look, I understand that if a man and a woman, don’t love each other anymore, or can’t get along, they should separate, and live their own lives.   But, for a woman to do it in this manner, especially not letting him know anything was totally wrong.   It was a long period of time before he had any answers.

After that situation, my brother changed like a light switch, He became, bitter, angry, hateful, racist, sexist, and extremely egotistical.   Things and statements that came out of his mouth, was disrespectful.   He was disrespectful to my wife, to my daughter, and many times, to me.   It seems that he despised all females.  

In my interaction with him, he always had to show that he was smarter, than me and everyone else.   When I tried to give him any constrictive criticism, he got extremely angry.

One thing I knew, as well my wife and children, who continue to love him, regardless, of the way he continued to present himself, was that inside him, and in his heart, he was a very, caring, loving and sensitive person.  I finally, along with my family, helped him realize that.   And his demeanor changed around us. 

This was my brother, I loved him unconditionally!   I finally came to a determination, that it was finally time to tell him about me.  To go to his apartment, and have a discussion, concerning me being Transsexual and I wanted along with need him to finally know who I was.  Well I talked to my wife and was prepared to go see him in the next two weeks.

Then I got t hat phone call that he got up early in the morning, drank a cup of coffee, laid down on his girlfriends, living room couch, fell asleep, and died.

He was only about 59, and it was too young to die, in my mind.   The most painful feeling was that now I am the last one, and alone.

And when I say alone, I want to point out to my wife and children, my statement were about my parent’s and brother.  I am the last one of my family,

But, the most divine and wonderful thing was I had my own family, who I loved dearly, to now, turn my attention to………

 

 Jamie Lee

 September 18, 2012

 

Of course the above story was rather brief, but, it is hard for me to remember.  And now I am, almost ready to cry……………………………………………

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