December 8, 2009
In many prisons, they have a visiting room, where the incarcerated individual is escorted in. There are chairs in front of a huge plate glass window. People from the outside come and visit them and must sit on the opposite side of the glass, so then cannot have personal contact or be touched. There is a phone, which is the only way they can communicate. The saddest part is that the incarcerated individual is looking outside towards freedom and the visitor is looking inside toward the horrors of incarceration which they will never understand!
This is my prison. I have both of my hands pressed against the glass and beg to be released. Years and years of painful incarceration, inside this body. The horror and the pain of it all!
However, even though I am institutionalized from decades of living this night mare, I continue to have faith, hope, love, poise, wisdom, patience, gratitude and joy for being a woman. The mirror is my only demise. Outside I am dying; inside I am coming alive, growing, changing and becoming stronger.
People judge you by your outward appearance, not by what is truly within your heart.
My spirit and character is in the process of becoming something.
The only way to win is total commitment, with no mercy and no fear. It is a constant battle between the inner me and the outer me. I am a being who will never cease to exist.
There are remembrances of times long ago when I was hurt afraid and confused, but that was then, and this is now. I am no longer the little girl who felt imprisoned within my life. I am no longer powerless in the midst of whatever challenges I am currently experiencing.
I am here now fully committed to my growth, enlightenment and evolution. I am armed with the lessons that the past has imparted on me. I am more armed with the lessons of past lifetimes where I suffered many indignities or slights or abuse.
I am more connected by my divine birthright to all the assistance necessary to move to the next part of my journey.
The part of my story where, I become, the Master of my own reality, for all time.
“Look within for the truth” “Accept the truth within” “Allow the truth to be”
One thing that I feel, is that my soul has chosen this assignment. Throughout my entire existence, I have been training for this time when I can step fully into my own personal power. A power that will transform my life as I currently know it!
My amount is little but my support is sincere.
I must find fulfillment in believing in my self, trusting my instincts, living with my own soul and never giving up. I must understand divine compassion.
I am learning that, for my own self acceptance and self pride, I must see my own personal value and worth, which will serve as a gauge for how much I like, accept, approve and respect myself. Self pride and acceptance influences every aspect of my life. At times I make decisions with an unfavorable view of myself which can demean my efforts, body, talents and abilities. I know that as days, months and years go by, that ongoing negative dialogue can result in feeling of anxiety, irritability or resentment. Over time these feelings have lead to loneliness, depression and fear.
I spend a great deal of time trying to improve what I see as flawed and imperfect with a low sense of pride and acceptance of myself. I continue to remember who I was at a different time of my life and expect that the person from back then can still exist in a new set of conditions, roles and responsibilities. I measure myself with an unrealistic measuring stick and continue to lose pride and self respect. This negative feeling and thought plays in my head and I see I am in a cycle of self destruction.
I must begin some how to accept the mistakes and set backs where my personal growth is concerned and change them so I don’t always sit in self-pity, self-loathing, denial and hatred of myself.
On of the most serious problems with me is that I must have continued validation that I am a woman. I must keep trying to find out why this has happened to me. And if I did, as some say, chose to enter this life, to learn something from being in this horrible situation, what in the name of god could it be? Why would I. Why did my angels or spirit guides, allow this to happen? Why was I made to accept the duality of sexuality in such an extreme painful manner?
On thing I do know for sure is I am a woman in this shell of a body and that I must try and survive. I must press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts which have control over me in society, and the way I survive with their own self serving opinions.
PERSISTENCE AND DETERMINATION ALONE IS OMNIPOTENT!
This is my hell………………………………This is my life…………….
This is Jamie Lee