INTRODUCTION: On or about August 8, 2008, my Therapist, Doctor Carol Hershey, inspired me to write a story to myself as a child. This was one of the most sensitive and intense projects I have ever imagined.
I sat down, closed my eyes, and felt like I was hypnotized, and traveled back in time. My fingers began typing; I had no fore thought about what to write. The words just flowed. I was awed after I completed it. It was my true feelings, and I even called myself names. As you will see, someone was watching me as a child, and you will be surprised who it turned out to be, just like I was at the end!
This was one of the most personal and surreal stories I had ever written. Until now! NO one has ever read it before.
I am honored to share it here, so that I may save a child, from going through the pain I have suffered!
We all deserve to be who we were born to be! Thank you! Jamie Lee……………………
YEARS OF TEARS
Where did you come from? Why were you born? Why are you so fragile?
You sad, sad innocent child!
I witnessed a child in such misery and pain! I shall never be willing, to witness again!
You poor, poor burdened child!
You were born of this earth so naked and true! But, how would you know! That, no one knew you?
The agony to come, which you had to survive, was more than, I could go through! To stay alive!
Fragile and frail you cried and cried,
You poor sweet innocent child!
How did you know what lay ahead! You were loved, held and nurtured, with affection so great! That, even you, didn’t know your ultimate fate!
Only God knew! What, was inside you,! Like the heart ache ahead! You would eventually dread!
You poor, poor sad, unknowing child!
You struggled in school, and no one knew why! The rest of your life you lived a huge lie.
You poor, poor, sweet, sad, innocent child!
It was my fate, to watch you grow! With the heart ache inside, that no one could know! But, I shall accept the chore, with so much pride, and try, to tell people, how you! Felt inside!
You poor, innocent, tormented child!
I pray, I can do this, and not miss a point. To tell your story, intensely so sad, to give you some peace that you never had!
I watched you as a child, as you struggled with school. Your parents loved you; however, you felt that you were always their failure. You never liked school, and because of that, you felt like you were their moron. You failed three times and repeated grades each one of those times. If you had a blue mark instead of a red one, you paraded around as if it was a National event, which deserved a major holiday. Your brother was academically skilled and always received an “A”, He was bragged about, by your mother & father in the most wonderful and proudest manner.
You stupid, failure of a child!
I watched as you, held no rights or privileges on your own. And everything needed approval. You were to be “Seen and not Heard!” You weren’t even allowed the dignity to know who you were. Your thoughts and emotions were not real, valid or important, sensible, or even realistic, until you somehow reached the magical age of 21. You had restrictions, curfews and requirements that, if you bent, in any slightest manner, would result, in the most severe discipline in every form that you could imagine.
You clueless, imaginary child, your role models were insufficient. Role models were forced upon you. “Don’t you want to be a man?”
If you didn’t follow the expected role models, you treated like a failure.
Your parents made you go to bed early every night, because of school, the next day. You were told to go to your room at 8:00 pm or earlier every night! I watched as you climbed into your bed, after reciting the “Lord’s Prayer”, always begging for help. I heard you crying & crying & crying half the night, before you cried yourself to sleep, praying that no one would hear your pain.
You poor, lonely child!
I watched as you quickly tried to understand, the physical differences between boys and girls! I watched as you learned the differences, and then came the change in you! You realized that a mistake was made. You were somehow born wrong, and you wanted it to be fixed. You prayed and prayed every night, that God would take you back, and return you in the proper way. I watched you progressively felt abandoned and grew more angry and hateful, that such a mistake was made! You were so lonely, sad and pained, with no one to confide in, with your problem. Even if you tried, you were afraid that you would have been placed into a cage, and abandoned! I saw as a friend told you their secret, and ask you if you could keep it? You listened to their problems and never told a soul, because you were one of the best, at keeping secrets. After all you had one your self, that, you couldn’t even tell them!
You poor, secretive child!
It was very apparent to me that, you hated your body and life. You hated each and every day, of your existence, because, after all, you were born broken, and couldn’t be fixed”. But, in some mysterious manner, you became a survivor. Concealing, all your thoughts, emotions and desires! Strange as it may seem, this!, made me so proud of you!
You poor, sad, amazing child!
Parades! You loved parades, didn’t’ you little one? You thought that I wasn’t watching you, but I was!
You would sit on the curb of the street, many times, over the years, with your mother and father, watching and waiting for the parade to appear. You would say many times, “Can you see it? Is it here yet? And then it approached! You were so excited! Your parents thought, that it was because of all the fire trucks, and the normal things!
You never told them. Did you? But I knew why!
You were waiting for the bands! You were waiting to see the pretty, pretty, “Baton Twirlers”. You stared, at their stunning, sparkly outfits, as the marched beautifully and proudly by. You wished that you were them. Just for a moment.
You wanted to wear, those beautiful outfits, and be, as beautiful as them! as they marched by. Then you became sad, when she disappeared into the horizon. But you stared, at the girls coming, in the rest of the parade. You held you breath when the “Home Coming Queens & Princesses “passed by, riding on top of the cars, waiving and smiling at you. You closed your eyes, and dreamed, that you could be, as beautiful and them.
Didn’t you! You ugly, horrible thing!
When you eventually, went home, I watched you sneak into the back yard, pick up sticks, and pretend that you were her! Marching around the yard, trying to twirl that wooden thing! How sick! And wrong! But you did it anyhow.
Didn’t you?! You poor, demented child!
Awe, but, your relatives, visited your house, on many occasions, with their children, and you had someone to play with. While, your parents were in the kitchen talking, you would get your toy soldiers and other toys and sit in the corner. You had many cousins who were girls. I watched you playing as the girls played across the room. You would watch them intently, giggling, jumping, playing and having fun.. You would get up, go over to them and sit. You would sit with them!
You loved playing with them, until you heard a distant voice from your father. What are you doing? Nothing Dad! I just wanted to ask the girls a question.. Then you quickly got up, ran back to your spot , as you hard him yell, “Just leave them alone“ . Don’t be a sissy!”
And, you listened! Didn’t you?
But around that time, you finally found, a true friend to talk to! What was his name? “Sandy” This was the collie, that your parents got, for you and your brother! You would lay many times, on the floor, with your new found friend! Sometimes, resting your head on his chest, as you talked and talked. He was a beautiful collie. On occasion, his ears would perk up, as he listed to your stories and secrets. It seemed, that some time, for some unknown reason, he would actually, feel your pain. Once and awhile you would tie a bandanna, around his neck. And you got yelled at; because only girls did that! You were always frightened; that you dog would tell someone, about you, and you constantly begged him not too. But he did keep your secrets! Even when, he got old and had to be put asleep! He held your secrets! You even thought for a moment, that you could go to sleep with him, so you could be by his side. How sad it was, when, you lose your only true friend , and now, again, had no one to talk to! Sadness was your other friend.
Such pity, I had, watching you grow, little one!
I watched many times, as you told your parents that you were going outside to play; with your friends! But instead, you disappeared into your parent’s garage, at the end of the property. You didn’t reappear for a long periods of time. What were you doing in there? What was your secret? Were you putting on girls cloths again? Then, finally, I would see you exit, up the sidewalk, towards your house, with a smile on your face. Were you happy for a moment, little child?
You deceitful, evil, person you!
You did however, have rare sweet times as you watched, your mother, put on her make up. She was so beautiful!
You liked to watch this, and sometimes, she would spray you with a little perfume. You would yell at her, and run away , saying “What do you think, I’m a girl?” But all the time, you really, loved it , because, you smelled so pretty and nice.
Didn’t you? You sweet, tender child?
CHRISTMAS! Now it is Christmas! “Visions of Sugar Plums Dancing in your Head” The happiest time of year! Presents, Christmas trees, good food, excitement, toys, toys, toys and Christmas stockings! WOW!
Christmas music also… Every thing and everyone was so different. They were happy, nice, friendly and wonderful. The time of year that everything was beautiful.
You asked your parents many times, if you behaved enough that year, so you wouldn’t get that dreadful “Coal” in your stocking.
Everything was wonderful, happy and exciting for you! Wasn’t it?
VISIONS OF SUGAR PLUMS? Were these your visions? You sweet child! Tell us! You don’t want to, do you? So then I will!! Remember, I was watching you!
You were very happy, this time of year. You did try and subdue all that suffering that you endured through out the year. And you succeeded! So you thought!
I watched you go to bed early on Christmas Eve, and not be able to sleep, so excited, you were!
Then it came! Christmas morning! You would sneak down the stairs and peek at the Christmas tree, and see if there were presents for you? THERE WERE! So then you went back up stairs and woke your brother up. You made a lot of noise to, hopefully wake up your parents. They finally heard you, and you begged them to go down stairs. Santa Claus came! Came at last!
You and your brother sat on the floor by the tree and your parents sat on the couch across the room on the couch.
You began opening your presents. Toys, toys and more Toys! Then it happened! The dreaded cloths! One present had a shirt which you threw to the side. Oh no! Socks, pants and other cloths, which you threw to the side, on top of your little trash pile. You looked at your parents with tears swelling in your eyes, and said: “I don’t want these!”
Then the time arrived for your mother and father to open theirs, as you watched intently. You really didn’t care about your father’s, did you? What you were waiting for was your Mother’s!
WOW! She got a beautiful blouse and skirt. She got a necklace and all kinds of frilly things. She held it up to show everyone.
Then it happened! Then it hit you! Your eyes got glassy. You tried to subdue those tears again! GOOD JOB!
Then, as I watched you, and I realized, you really wanted all of those beautiful things that you mother got, for yourself! You selfish person! How dare you!
You could not behave even at this time of the year. YOU didn’t deserve any presents!!!!
You! Selfish, secretive, Beast of a child! I AM ASHAMED OF YOU! I ACTUALLY SOMETIMES THINK I HATE YOU!
But, I forgive you!
I watched, as you, night after night, cry and cry yourself to sleep! Who cares! We felt sick, in the pit of our stomachs! , Didn’t we? We, made it through each and every day, and lonely, lonely, unending night! We truly became friends, you and I! We danced together, talked, laughed, and shared our secrets and dreams together! Didn’t we? I was happy to be your new friend! We both, survived.
Was, I your Guardian Angel? NO! You didn’t deserve any! Then all of a sudden, you figured, all this out, , didn’t you?
You brilliant, intelligent thing!
YOU REALIZED! Who I really was! That, I was in fact, really YOU! THAT, I was your, own heart, dreams and desires! THAT, I was your heart beat, and every breath that you took! THAT, I was, your only true friend! Forever!
THAT! I was finally, released, and blooming. That I am, turning into the beautiful soul that I was upon birth.
Do I still cry? YES! Do I have periods of depression? YES! Do I still hurt every day inside? YES!
Do I blame my parent’s? NO! They were just products and victims of their generation, just like me.
How many people mistreated you? Regardless, of what, has taken place in the past, we can turn things into something positive. Do not settle for defeat, and surround yourself with good people and make plans to succeed. We will always be confronted with obstacles. We were rejected and wronged, and we may be out-numbered 100 to 1, but be courageous. We will always be confronted with opposition, but sometimes those challenges propel us towards success. There are infinite numbers of possibilities and potentials just waiting for us to develop. We can’t allow dead ends to stop us. We have what it takes to achieve our dreams and desires. Don’t settle for second, you deserve the best. Commit yourself to excellence and don’t settle for less. Walk in honor & truthfulness, be forthright and refuse to think of anything that is negative or dishonest. Listen to that voice inside that says “We are special” “ “We are loved” “Someone needs us” “We can begin again and make things happen and be at peace with ourselves” Be enthusiastic and make things wonderful in our lives!
WE ARE, WHO WE CAME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW, I have demands! No one, but, no one will make me change! I am who I am, and will try to replace all those horrors of the past into a new found energy and passion , and become the most beautiful transsexual woman, who is at peace with herself! Who in transitioning will work towards beauty, freedom, equality, peace and understanding, as one of the most divine being placed on the face of the earth.
As the song goes “Don’t mess with my stride! I GOT TO KEEP ON MOVING!”
Will it help ease my anger, sorrow, and extreme pain? Maybe! Will it help? YES! Did it hurt? YES
One thing I am positive of is that!
I am, Jamie Lee. A transsexual woman, and, will slowly transition, and demand, recognition, for all those “YEARS of TEARS!