I Try To Survive! A dozen black roses
My theory, at this time and place in my life, is this! I lived my life for everyone else! I was in the Military; I was in law enforcement 30 years, protecting the rights of others! I have been married for many years! And I have three wonderful children! I protected people from harm and their right to freedom of speech!
And now! At this point in my life, when I pray, hope and expect people just to allow me to BE! I am always kicked in the ass!
Since childhood I have been! I have existed in an incarceration so perverse and lonely, that I tried to kill myself once! And I learned the intensity of courage and survival! But I had to hide all these years for the benefit of others and my loved ones! I have hidden my Soul, and have had years and years of private lies, especially within my heart!
And now here I sit typing this! Trying to say something that will make a difference, and just say one word, which will allow creatures like me to exist!
Right here and now, our Society and our economy is severely crumbling! Young men and women are dying everyday in a war that we all think had a purpose! But truthfully deep inside, we are not sure! And we are hated more then ever before!
And the most tragic part of this all, is that people in our Society, still prefer to be racist, sexist, intolerant of gays, lesbians and especially transsexuals! To be judgmental, to act like they truly are Dr. Phil or Dear Abby! To think that they have the answers and the God given right, to place moral judgment on human beings!
And they themselves are the “Educated Derelicts” in our Society oppress other people!
They don’t even have the capability to understand human diversity, pain and suffering and all the rest!
I was at my Doctor two days ago. She is a genetic woman, an endocrinologist and a specialist treating Tran’s individuals. She asked me how I was doing and felt right at that moment!
Tears started swelling in my eyes, and I said “not good” I told her that I am exhausted, tired and weary, because everything that is happening to me is controlled by my physical, mental, and emotional feelings. I told her that I am tired and have anxiety from sticking a needle in my leg every two weeks for the last 5 years. I said that all the other medications, the spirolactane, the prometrium has taken its toll on me.
I told her! Doctor! I took a shower the other day, and looked at my self for the first time and I saw the changes in me! I saw, my breasts, my hips that have changed, and the changes in my legs, and everything else that brings me closer to my freedom! And at the same time, I felt that I was some horrible fucking monster, who was both a man and a woman! A freak! Because I was incomplete!
She then made the most heart warming and incredible statement to me! She said! “Jamie, I have been treating transsexual women for a long time! And at times when I look at my self as a woman! I thank God that I didn’t have to go through the things; you are going through as a woman! “
My God what her words meant to me! At that moment she placed validation in my heart.
Most of all, her statement told me that she believed me! That she believed that, I am a woman who is incarcerated in this wrong body and horrible shell!
And I then stated to her, why I would go through this all if it were just a game! And I thanked her for being a pioneer, who has the courage as a woman to save my life!
And that made me have a renewed energy to continue towards my freedom and release from this horrible situation!
When I start to type my feeling and emotions as you all can see! My fingers get carried away, and when they stop, I am not sure what I truly said!
I think this began with me wanting to say! NOW, is the time for everyone to stop with oppressive thoughts and feeling, and allow people to be who they are!
And it is truly time for all of you, to demand self respect; to live today like there is no tomorrow! Do something nice for your self right this moment! Don’t let anyone hurt you anymore! Stand up for yourself and rights! Have courage! Most importantly LOVE yourself! And for once LIVE LIFE!
And I beg whoever reads my stories who are especially genetic females, Teach me! Teach me how to survive this nightmare! Help me be who YOU Are, and were born!
And I ask everyone to stand up! Be who you are! And for once BE FREE!
Don’t walk in front of me! Don’t walk behind me! Take my hand and WALK WITH ME!!
I am! Jamie Lee