ALONE


JAMIE

“ALONE”

From Childhood’s hour I have not been as others were – I have not seen as others saw – I could not bring my passions from a common spring! EDGAR ALLEN POE

Each day I live a lie. Mine is a life of deceit. For, I am forced to wear a mask, to be an actor on a stage which is not my own choice!. I cannot do! I cannot act as I would like or as I feel. Yet, I am not sick, mentally ill, or a criminal. I desire in fact, to be good in the highest sense. I long to give, to help, to protect, to create, to understand, and above all to love and be loved!

I look around me and see all that I cannot be and cannot do. My heart cries with pain like no other, for my deepest desire and most natural wishes cannot be fulfilled. I am forced to be and act that which I am not.

I see other women. I see them with children. I am reminded that I cannot bear children or give them life. I will always be incomplete. This is all denied to me.

Oh God! To be and to live as other women do! To do the things they do! To go to the places they do! To be as they are! All so very vital to me.

I wish to dress as they do, to wear the cloths, the jewelry, the cosmetics, all the things they wear. These are the symbols of their femininity, their womanhood and their very essence.

Yet, I am not a woman, either in body or in the life they lead. I am a woman in my soul, my thoughts and my fantasies.

How can I be more in their likeness? That is what I want, yearn for, dream of and seek more than anything. Now I live incompletely. I am in prison. The prison of my own body, the prison which society does not understand.

Until, I can become more like other women. If I ever can. I must continue to life a lie, day after day, year after year.

Physically, I am a man! Mentally and emotionally I have always been and am a woman

I have worked for over thirty years in law enforcement to protect the rights of others. The rights of individuals that are not granted or afforded to me. I have served in the military to protect those rights. Am I such a monster, a freak, or a dredge of society?

I have given my life towards living everyone’s expectations! Now, it is time for me to be free! Don’t I deserve it?

I met my Dear wife and fell in love with her and her beauty! Her being, her soul. I wanted to be with her the rest of my life! I also wanted to be her! And look like her, bond with her femininity. Am I a lesbian? (just another label) or am I a human being who understands more that a lot, what “unconditional love” means irregardless of gender!

I have two wonderful children who I deeply love, admire, and respect for who they are and what they are accomplishing.

If I could show the basic femininity of my psyche! If there is indeed an eternal soul!
Then I suppose mine to be in the gender feminine. At all events, what is certain is that from babyhood, I have known, call it intuition, call it recognition, known beyond all doubt that I belonged among the woman and have longed to take my place there!

To become a woman, would be to come home. This would be my happiness. To wake up tomorrow, and find myself such a women.

The pain and suffering in my life is not merely that which is caused by prejudice and misunderstanding. Far more is the pain of conflict within me, the profound dichotomy of mind and body! I have lived a “lie” as a man and boy, always painful and always false!

I must say that in my mind and heart! My psyche has been shaped by thousand million, longings and choices, and feminine values. I could not acquire a masculine psyche without ceasing to be myself!

I feel like an animal in a cage. You open the door and entice me to come out! But I am so frightened of the unknown and what I could lose!

I am afraid of what I will lose which is dear to me, especially my wife and my children. I am frightened to be injured, attacked and preyed upon!

Is it that I am afraid of her? Meaning the female which exists within me! Am I afraid to allow her to be finally free and take over? Am I afraid that I will miss my maleness which I will lose in that transition? Am I afraid of the trauma involved in making that transition? Am I afraid of the new thoughts, feelings and challenges? Am I afraid of the possible physical, mental and inner challenges?

Since being incarcerated so long and losing my youth, am I afraid to be released as an older woman and the responsibilities associated with it?

Am I institutionalized from all these years of being subdued, tortured, lonely, traumatized and secluded?

LONELY, AFRAID, ANGRY, CONFUSED, SECLUDED, INCARCERATED, DEPRESSED, TORTURED, TRAUMATIZED, FRUSTRATED, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, AND INCOMPLETE!

These are all real words to me! When was the last time that you felt them all at the same time?

SEXUALITY & GENDER: OUR SEXUALITY HAS TO BE WITHOUT FAULT! IT MUST FUNCTION IN STRICT CONFORMITY WITH ALL CUSTOMS & LAWS! NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH HYPOCRICY THEY MAY GIVE RISE!

This is about me! This is who I am and feel!

Jamie

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