BECAUSE SHE IS ME!
AND I AM HER!
SHE IS SOMETHING I HAVE FELT
WITHIN MY HEART AND SOUL
FOREVER! – JAMIE LEE
I am about to face another year of hopes, dreams and aspirations. I will face another year of the trials and tribulations endeavoring, to survive the brutal reality of my own existence and fate, once again. Trying to be free of the constant torment in which I live. The constant fears of life and death! The thoughts that I am some kind of unusual or irregular thing or occurrence, which is considered, to be some type of curiosity and monstrosity! There are some religious theories that death is genderless! If this theory is remotely true, then it strikes the most intense feelings in me of being forlorn and lost in eternity forever. Struggling since birth, for freedom, independence, acceptance & understanding,
And especially the compassion towards, freeing the incarcerated woman within me! I have had many dreams that upon my death, I will be walking through a field of flowers, in a white gown, proudly standing and knowing that I am finally set free, and am the essence of me in my femininity and will be waiting for the people that I love!, knowing that my incarceration is over And the fear! The fear that all this is just a false dream, and there is truly nothing, realizing that life is just an illusion.
Another year of peering at my own worst enemy, the mirror! The object that reminds me how handicapped and ugly I am! But it tantalizes me with the rare occasions of being able to see the divineness and beauty growing within me, only for a second. At those rare and special occasions, I do look and feel beautiful!
Welcome to my world, I am like a Butterfly, though I haven’t been so. There was a time when I had no wings to fly and gravity held me down with fierceness. Life was a constant struggle just to survive! I thought I had found my path, and then a storm would come and set me in someplace completely different, always feeling I was thrown around like a twig. Finally I grew weak and felt the need to wrap myself in a protective cocoon and escape the onslaught of struggle after struggle. Many times I thought I had given up.
I don’t know how long I slept in the darkness of that cocoon, my incarceration, but it seemed a lifetime. One day I woke and knew that I must break out, the walls no longer served to protect me; they simply kept me from stretching out into the fullness of my being. The walls I had surrounded myself with had become more uncomfortable than all the storms, I had endured on the outside of my walls. And I found myself struggling harder than ever before, only now to escape those walls; I had hid behind with sweet relief. I was stuck in a prison of my own making! I squirmed and struggled, pushed and prodded until one day, one glorious day, I could see daylight through a tiny crack in my wall. This renewed my desire to escape, and I worked until I was able to finally pull myself up and out of my cocoon. I was free! The more I stretched in the sunlight, the more I noticed that something was different. I had changed. The more I stretched in the sunlight, the more I noticed that I was free! I basked in the glory of it all.
This is the year, to document and re-think things. My joy will not be tied up in circumstances, however, I am going to try to focus on the things, that feel right in my heart and not, the things that I strove for and failed. It will be a tremendous test of my will & strength. The tougher times are inspiring me to try and make this the best year of my life!
It inspires me to look at and document for the first time, my success, and what I have received and accomplished. And to also to pay honor to all those people which have preserved and stuck by me, constantly encouraging me. And finally the time to recognize the ones that I have hurt!
Too many times my hopes and dreams were turned into a chaotic mess by me! How could I expect others to believe in me when I don’t believe in myself? It is a time to understand the awareness that I have been divinely given, that others, will never experience. To have an understanding of gender and the human condition! Along with the roles and hidden unquestioned, within it!
I must recognize the blessings that I received. I must kneel and be thankful for receiving the very essence of femininity! The ability to finally cry and show emotions, along with the ability to understand & feel the wondrous cycles of my body and soul, along with its changes. Especially, the ability to look at the world in a different manner! The ability to see that I might be a true gift and not damnation!
It is especially the year to be humble and show, my extreme gratitude to my true friends, relatives, family, my wife, my Doctor, Melanie Santiago and her staff, my Therapist, Carol Hershey, and people, who have exhausted their energy and hearts, accepting me!, and helping me. Because! If it were not for them, I would have ceased to exist.
To honor their courage, for having an open mind! Along, with their perseverance to learn, understand & tolerate the true nature of human diversity in its most extreme sense. I want to thank them for having the wisdom, love, compassion & fortitude, in helping me, bloom, succeed, survive & exist, never turning their backs on me once! They truly are my hero’s!!
January 1, 2011